


Taken for Granted

by IndelibleEvidence



Category: Blindspot (TV)
Genre: Adultery, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Adultery, Episode Tag: 3x12, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-08-22 23:56:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 31,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16607873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IndelibleEvidence/pseuds/IndelibleEvidence
Summary: Jane wants love back in her life, but some indiscretions aren't so easily forgotten, or forgiven. Kurt realises just how unbalanced their marriage is, and refuses to take Jane back. Can she convince him she loves him just as much as he's always loved her?Episode tag to 3x12, dealing with the (spoiler alert!) canon adultery committed by Jane while she was on the run.





	1. Over

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that there's a very similar fic, written by @inwhatlifetime on Tumblr, which has a lot of the same thoughts/events as this one. I set mine one episode later, but since it deals with the same events there's some noticeable overlap. Full credit to that fic for being written first, and I swear that what I wrote was in my mind already, and not some terrible attempt at plagiarism!

Kurt stared into his glass of Scotch, knowing he should just go to bed. But all that awaited him there was a long, lonely night with his thoughts, and he couldn’t stand to move just yet.

The last couple of nights had been pure hell. Kurt had spent them lying in bed, inhaling Jane’s scent, still on the bed linen, and torturing himself with thoughts of her with Clem Hahn. How many times had she slept with him? How serious had she felt about him? They’d worked over a dozen jobs together during a six-month period—hadn’t she thought to mention to the guy that she was married? Or maybe she had, and Hahn hadn’t cared. But he seemed like a decent guy, as much as it pissed Kurt off to admit it.

Since she’d first come into his life, every time he had a quiet moment to think, his thoughts always gravitated towards Jane. During the bad times, that was more of a curse than a blessing. God knew he’d spent hours obsessing over her while she’d been in the black site, wondering why she’d lied to him about being Taylor Shaw. When she’d gone on the run, he’d spent unhealthy amounts of time worrying about her—whether she was safe, whether he’d ever see her again. But this? It was so much worse.

His mind was filled with images of Jane kissing Hahn. Of her stripping down for him, sucking his cock, letting him go down on her. The idea of her orgasming with another man’s cock in her made Kurt want to tear his brain out of his skull.

He didn’t know if he was more angry or hurt. While they’d been working together to save Avery, he’d mostly just been numb, maybe a little in denial, but when it was all over—Avery safe, everyone back in New York—he’d come home and stood in the kitchen, staring at Jane’s wedding ring, still lying on the counter where she’d left it. He’d wanted to yell, trash the room, express the anger that seethed inside him—but as always, the memories of his father drunkenly smashing up their family home reined him in. Instead, he’d gone into the living room, lowered himself onto the couch, gazed at the floor where he and Jane had consummated their reunion, and begun to cry.

Last night, he’d watched their wedding DVD again, turning it off well before Roman made his improvised cameo. He’d rewound the part where they’d said their vows time after time, looking for any trace of insincerity in Jane’s face as she promised to forsake all others until death parted them. There wasn’t a trace of doubt or duplicity in her face on that video, nothing he’d been too blinded by love to see on their wedding day.

Where had everything gone so wrong? The way he felt about Jane was powerful, his protective instinct strong and his love even stronger. Was it too much for her to cope with? Was that why she’d run at the first sign of trouble, rejecting his help to go it alone for eighteen months? Had she found Hahn easier to be with, more laid back, more compatible with her? Better in bed?

One of the first things she’d said to him when she’d come back was, “You’re still wearing your ring.” She’d sounded surprised. Had she honestly thought that leaving hers behind meant it was over? Hadn’t she realised that he’d never let her go without a fight?

The Jane he’d brought back from Nepal had been the same, yet in some ways, almost a stranger. And she’d told him parts of herself had ‘woken up again’ on her travels, like that wasn’t an idea that would cut him to the bone, that she needed to be away from him before she could feel fully alive.

Sure, he’d made a stupid mistake not telling her immediately about what had happened in Berlin. But it hadn’t been just to protect himself from her ire and recriminations. It had been to protect _her_ from being hurt more by her past. No matter how wrong he’d been, his intentions had been good.

If he’d known she’d been fucking around on him in Europe, maybe he would have told her sooner.

How could they fix this? Was their relationship shattered beyond all repair?

Someone knocked on the door, and Kurt frowned, wondering if he could get away with ignoring it. But at the familiar sound of the key in the lock that came right after, he knew it was Jane. Kurt tensed, his pulse leaping right before his heart sank. He didn’t know what to do about their relationship yet. He wanted to see his wife, but at the same time, he wished she’d stayed away a while longer.

Maybe she’d just come to pick up some more clothes, and then she’d head out again.

He stood up as Jane dropped her bag on the floor and turned to face him. Leaned against the door jamb between the study and the living room, unsure what to say. “Hey.”

“I’m not letting Roman win,” she said, her face determined.

He remained where he was, unsure what she meant. “What happened? Everything all right?” Had Roman made some new move they needed to counteract? He needed details.

Jane approached him a little hesitantly. “No. And it might not be for a while.” She sighed. “Look, I know you have a history of being let down by the people you love. Your father. Your old partner. Me.”

 _At least she’s admitting she let me down._ That was a good start. But where was she going with this?

“But knowing why you lied about Avery doesn’t make me feel any less betrayed. And that hurt may never go away.”

An apology came to his lips, but he bit it back. He’d apologised a million times already, and it hadn’t made any difference.

Jane watched him sadly. “But all of this has just made me feel so lonely. Afraid to trust the people I should believe in the most. You, and Avery. And that is exactly what Roman wants.”

Kurt was afraid to breathe, afraid to hope, even as he slowly crossed the remainder of the space between them. Was she coming back to him? Was that what she meant by not letting Roman win?

“I’m not gonna give it to him. Because I want to trust Avery. I want to work things out with you. I want love back in my life.”

Kurt stared at her, his soul torn in two. Half of him wanted to pull her into his arms, welcome her home, promise he’d never, ever screw up again if she’d just stay with him, forgive him.

The other half was frozen with disbelief. She hadn’t apologised to him for cheating on him. She hadn’t begged for _his_ forgiveness for telling him he should have died with Avery. She wasn’t making any admission of wrongdoing at all, and making it sound like it was a foregone conclusion that he’d take her back.

“Kurt?” Jane was frowning at him, as though she’d expected him to have popped open the champagne by now.

_This is too broken to fix. Too one-sided._

_It’s over._

* * *

Kurt wasn’t saying anything. She’d expected him to be relieved, after all the times he’d begged for her forgiveness, but now he was almost unnaturally still, just staring at her. Then his shoulders dropped a little, and he rubbed a weary hand across his face.

Jane’s stomach flipped over. What was going on with him?

“I don’t think I can do this, Jane.”

She realised she’d forgotten to breathe and made herself take a deep breath. “I don’t understand.”

He drained the glass of Scotch he was holding in one go, then moved past her to rinse out the glass. “That’s the problem. You really don’t, do you?”

A distant, but steadily approaching sense of panic registered on the edges of her senses. “Kurt, please, talk to me. You’re saying I can’t come home?”

He leaned against the kitchen worktop, his arms crossed in front of him. “Yeah. That’s what I’m saying. This relationship…it isn’t gonna work. Maybe it was never meant to.”

“But I love you,” she almost whispered, too stunned to cry. If she’d thought it had hurt to hear he’d killed Avery—or thought he had—it was nothing compared to this. “And you love me, I know you do.”

He was silent, his posture somehow both defensive and defeated. The tears in his eyes gave her hope that she could change his mind, but the way his jaw was clenched worried her.

“Is this because of Clem?” she asked, desperately trying to get him to open up about what was going on in his head. She hadn’t seen him this closed off to her since right after the black site, around the time when he’d told Zapata he couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as her.

“That’s a big part of it, yeah.”

“After what you did, you’re holding that against me?” It felt safer to argue with him than to collapse in a heap on the floor. She harnessed her anger about his deception and used it as fuel to keep her standing upright. “You hardly have the moral high ground right now, so I—”

“This isn’t about what I did, Jane. It’s about what you did. I’ve apologised more times than I can count for keeping what happened with Avery from you. You left because of it. If you still feel so strongly about it, why are you trying to come back? Because you don’t want to let Roman win?”

Jane flinched at the edge to his tone as he quoted her words back at her. “Because I love you. Because I don’t want this to tear us apart.”

“You worked with Clem Hahn for six months doing K and R jobs, right? How many times did you sleep with him? Was it serious?” He radiated tension and hurt, but his words were quiet and even.

“Just one night! And I felt so bad about it that I left for Nepal the next day. That was the last time I saw him before he came to New York this week, I swear.”

 “You felt bad about it? I haven’t seen any evidence of that.” His voice shook as he said, “Do you have any idea what it’s like for me to know that you fucked someone else? Every time I think about it, I just…”

She realised his hands were balled into fists. She’d known she’d hurt him, maybe as badly as he’d hurt her, but she hadn’t realised how angry he was until now. “Kurt—”

“Just stop, Jane. I’m not done.”

Jane fell silent, her heart pounding. Was she about to lose the man she loved over one stupid decision, one that she’d made out of loneliness while she’d been on the run?

“You left me in the middle of the night without saying goodbye or giving me the choice to come with you, and I forgave you. You realised I’d spent all of our savings trying to find you, and you said nothing about the giant stack of cash you had hidden in the air vent, and I forgave you. You told me parts of you only started to wake up again after you left Colorado, and hearing that tore me apart. But I forgave you, Jane, because I love you so damn much.”

Jane closed her eyes, wishing she could go back and change things. The situation with the bounty hunters hadn’t been her fault, but the way she’d handled it hadn’t been great, in retrospect. She’d screwed up, and he’d gone through hell. That he’d forgiven her at all was a miracle.

“The way I kept what happened with Avery from you was stupid, I admit that. And I will feel guilty about it for the rest of my life. But I was played, Jane. By Roman, and by Dedrik, and by Avery. I was set up, and my only mistake was to try to spare us both more hurt, when I thought she was already dead. I did what I did to protect you, and our relationship, after you told me that you were done with your past, because all you ever found was pain.”

She’d forgotten she’d said that. Shame began to creep over her at some of the things she’d said to him. She’d been unfair to tell him he should have died with Avery.

“But you can’t compare not telling you about Avery to what you did. What happened in Berlin was an accident. But you? You stood in front of another man, and you made the decision to break your marriage vows. Sure, you took off your ring when you left, but you _know me_ , Jane. You knew I could never accept that it was over without talking to you first. We were happy before those bounty hunters crashed in on us that night. Or was I wrong about that?”

“No!” she said, taking a step forward. She wanted to cup his face in her hands and tell him how happy she’d been with him, but the hard expression on his face made it clear he wouldn’t welcome any contact. “Those first few months of our marriage were so wonderful, Kurt. I didn’t want to leave you.”

“But you did want to cheat.”

“I’d been on the run for over a year. It didn’t look like I’d ever get the bounty off my head. I didn’t think I could ever come back to you, and when he kissed me, I was just so lonely, I—”

“Don’t.” Kurt’s voice was low and dangerous. “I don’t want to hear about how lonely you were. I offered to come with you. I know you were trying to make sure I didn’t miss Bethany’s first few years to go on the run with you, but that wasn’t your choice to make. You didn’t have to be lonely, Jane.”

“But I—”

He shook his head fiercely. “Do you have any idea how many women hit on me while you were away? I travelled the world searching for you, and more than once, while I was sitting at a hotel bar feeling sorry for myself, women came to try and keep me company. Some of them were very beautiful. Funny. Charismatic.”

Jane fought a wave of territorial jealousy at the thought of other women hitting on her man in her absence. It was completely illogical, after her own indiscretion.

Kurt ran a hand through his hair, clearly stressed. “Was I ever tempted? Yeah, I was. I hadn’t seen my wife in months, or a year, or more. I was lonely. I wanted to forget everything for a while. But from the moment you first told me you loved me back, out there in that hallway, there was never any chance that there’d be anyone else for me.”

“Then why, Kurt? Why don’t you want to try to make this work?” Jane’s heart ached at how broken he looked. All she wanted was his arms around her, but he clearly needed space.

“Because you haven’t apologised for cheating on me. Not even once.”

With sickening horror, Jane realised he was right. “Kurt… I’m so—”

He cut her off with a bitter smile. “Oh, you’re gonna say it now? It’s too late for that.”

Jane wrapped her arms around herself, a futile attempt to hold herself together, while the one person she’d always been able to count on turned his back on her. “I made a stupid mistake. I’ve been so angry at you and so worried about Avery that I just didn’t let myself think about apologising, but I was wrong. I should have apologised on the plane, when you first found out. I just had a lot on my mind, but I’ll apologise every day for the rest of our lives if you’ll just forgive me.”

He shook his head and moved back into the living room, as though he needed to be farther away from her. She stayed where she was, hurting too much to move.

“Kurt. Please don’t shut me out, here. I want to know what you’re thinking.”

“You take me for granted, Jane. You walked in here tonight thinking it was a foregone conclusion that I’d let you move back in here. You didn’t ask how I felt about it. You didn’t apologise for cheating. You assumed that I love you so blindly that I can’t live without you, that I’ll forgive any transgression you make and that you don’t even have to ask how I feel about it.”

“I…” She couldn’t formulate a proper response, words failing her. Had she really been so thoughtless?

“I know that you love me. I believe that. I have to. And you were my world. Every time something got in the way of our happiness, I put my own feelings aside, because I told myself you were more important. But I can’t do that anymore, not when you don’t do the same for me.”

The anger seemed to have drained out of him now. As he approached her again, a tear fell down his cheek, and her own eyes began to fill up at the misery he exuded.

Why couldn’t she move? Why couldn’t she speak? He was her world, too. She should tell him that he was wrong, that she’d always fought for him… But she couldn’t. Part of her knew he was right.

As she blinked to clear her vision, Kurt stopped in front of her. Without another word, he pulled off the wedding ring he’d worn every day since she’d first slid it onto his finger. Then he laid it gently on the breakfast bar beside them. It made a soft clink on contact with the clean surface.

“I’ll see you at work on Monday. But I need you to leave now.”

“No,” she whispered, searching his face for any trace of doubt. “Please, Kurt. I’ll do anything. Please, let’s work this out.”

He gave her a sad smile, then leaned forward and pressed his lips to her forehead. “It’s over, Jane. I’m sorry.”

Before she could protest any further, he turned and headed into their bedroom, and softly shut the door behind him.

Shocked and heartbroken, Jane picked up Kurt’s wedding ring with a shaking hand. Remembering how he’d carried hers with him for the whole time she’d been on the run, she fought back tears and slid the masculine wedding band into her pocket.

_It’s not over. It can’t be. I won’t let it._

Then, her limbs feeling almost as heavy as her heart, she picked up her bag again and left the apartment she could no longer call home.


	2. Single

Kurt leaned against the bedroom door and closed his eyes, hardly able to believe what he’d just done. Had he really just taken off his wedding ring, told Jane to leave, that it was over? Had he just made the worst of many mistakes he’d made in his life?

He’d ended their relationship. But had he made a mistake? Even as his heart clamoured for him to tear open the door, take Jane into his arms and tell her he’d changed his mind, his brain and his gut overruled it. This needed to happen. He couldn’t sacrifice himself on the altar of his devotion to her for the rest of his life.

He loved her. God, he loved her. But if she’d felt for him even a fraction of the love he had for her, she never would have been able to cheat on him.

There was a scuffle out in the living room, then the door to the apartment opened and closed. Kurt let out his breath slowly and opened the bedroom door again, for no other reason than that he didn’t think he could sleep if he wanted to, and he wanted to find some way to take his mind off what had just happened.

He noticed immediately that his wedding ring wasn’t where he’d left it, and he stared at the empty space, perplexed. Had Jane taken it with her? That made no sense.

Last night, unable to bear looking at it anymore, he’d moved Jane’s abandoned ring to the small box where she kept the few pieces of jewellery she owned. That was in the bedroom, so she couldn’t have taken her own ring back if she’d wanted to. Now neither of their rings were where they should be. Kurt guessed it was fitting symbolism for the end of their relationship.

The music he’d been listening to when Jane had walked in had reached the end of its playlist. Kurt looked through his music collection, but everything reminded him of her. Happy or romantic songs they’d danced to. Sad songs he’d listened to during the long, lonely months without her, missing her and worrying about her. Nothing fit his current mood. Hell, he didn’t even know what his current mood _was_. Angry? Devastated? Relieved?

At least he didn’t have to wonder when she might be coming back. _If_ she might be coming back. He’d told her to leave, that he’d see her on Monday, and he was pretty sure she’d keep her distance while she adjusted to their new reality.

The weekend stretched out before him—long, empty and depressing. The only bright side was that he didn’t have to worry about what kind of state he was in for work tomorrow. He grabbed the bottle of Scotch and a glass, and headed into Bethany’s room—the place where he and Jane had spent the least amount of time together. The toddler bed was too small for him to sleep in, but it made a good seat.

Was he really going to sit in his two-year-old daughter’s bedroom and get wasted, on his own? That was pathetic. Yet he didn’t see any other way this night could work out, unless he could find himself a drinking buddy.

He poured himself a large measure of Scotch before sending Reade a text message. _You busy tonight?_

He didn’t hold out much hope that Reade would be available. Since he’d gotten together with Meg, he’d started spending most of his weekend with her, on the occasions that their weekends were actually free. Not that Kurt blamed him. With a job like theirs, it was important to make as much time for their loved ones as they could.

Reade surprised him by calling instead of replying by text. “Kurt—you okay?”

“Not really,” Kurt confessed. “I just took off my wedding ring and threw Jane out of our apartment.”

“Wait, what?” There was a scuffle on the other end of the line, and then Reade said, “Okay, I just stepped out so we could talk properly. Run that by me again? I thought Jane was the one who left you?”

“She was. But she came back tonight. Wanted to try to work things out.”

“I thought you’d be happy about that.”

Kurt took another sip of Scotch before finally spitting the words out. “She cheated on me. Before I found her and brought her home. With Clem Hahn.”

Reade cursed under his breath. “Okay, I’m coming over. You at home?”

“Yeah.” Kurt swallowed more alcohol, trying to chase down the lump in his throat without success. “Reade? Thanks, buddy.”

“Hey, you better not have drunk all that Scotch by the time I get there,” Reade said. “I’ll be over soon.”

* * *

“Jane? What happened?”

Tasha drew her into the apartment with a concerned frown, and shut the door before turning back to her. “You’re scaring me. What’s going on? Is it Avery?”

“Kurt doesn’t want me back.”

“Oh, god…” Her friend wrapped her arms around her, and Jane struggled to not break down. “I’m so sorry. I don’t have any bourbon, but if you’re okay with neat vodka…”

Jane nodded. “That’d be good. Thanks.”

“C’mon, come sit down. I’m texting Patterson.”

Jane felt another rush of shame as she sat down on Tasha’s couch. “You guys might not want to support me after you find out what happened. I… I know you were Kurt’s friends first.”

Tasha grabbed a bottle and some glasses, then brought them over and sat down. Once they both had drinks, she said, “I’m the queen of bad relationship decisions, and I’m really good at fence-sitting when my couple-friends break up, so hit me.”

“I cheated on him.”

Zapata’s eyes widened. “What? When? Who with?”

By the time Jane had finished relating what had happened, Patterson had arrived with a bottle of bourbon. Zapata gave her a brief rundown of the situation while texting something, and Jane eyed her suspiciously.

“Wait—who are you texting?”

“Reade,” Tasha said, putting down the phone. “I just wanted to make sure Weller has someone there for him, too.”

Jane nodded slowly. “That’s good. He probably needs someone. Thanks.”

Patterson opened the bourbon and poured some into a fresh glass. “I know you’re not meant to mix your spirits, but under the circumstances…”

“Thank you. Both of you.” Jane couldn’t help but get teary-eyed again. “You guys can hate me if you want.”

“Opposite, opposite,” Patterson said, putting a hand on her shoulder. Then she hesitated. “Well, not opposite, because I don’t _love_ what you did, and if I ultimately have to pick a side, I’m gonna come down on Weller’s. But I can understand how isolated you felt. Until Roman came up with his little death-faking plan, it must have been hard for you to imagine you’d ever get home. I took a look into finding the bounty holder and I got nowhere. You must have felt pretty hopeless.”

Jane nodded. “I’ve been making excuses for my behaviour, though, and all it did was make Kurt angry. I think I have to accept that I’m just a terrible person.”

Tasha rolled her eyes. “Now that really _is ‘_ opposite, opposite’. You’ve done more good with the past four years than people manage in their entire lives. Sure, you’ve made some mistakes, but we all do. What’s important is how you make up for them. So what’s your game plan?”

Jane gazed down at her drink, wondering if there was even a point in a game plan. Kurt clearly didn’t want her back. “I don’t know if I should try. All I ever seem to do is hurt him. Maybe he’d be happier with someone else.”

Patterson and Zapata exchanged a glance.

“Look, Jane. No one said this to you at the time, because you guys seemed so happy to be back together, and we didn’t want to rain on your parade, but…” Patterson hesitated.

Tasha took over. “While you were gone, especially for those first few months before he learned to cope, Weller was a mess. Stressed, tired, irritable, barely eating… He lost a ton of weight, hardly slept, took an indefinite leave of absence from work, spent all his money, called in every tiny favour anybody owed him…”

Jane felt worse and worse with every word. “And meanwhile, I cheated on him. See—all I do is hurt him. He deserves someone who can make him happy.”

Patterson sighed. “Maybe that’s part of the reason he’s taking it so hard that you cheated, sure. But look at how you guys were when you got back. It was like… like the lights came back on for him. We’ve both known Weller for a while before you came into his life, and a while after you left, and Jane, you’re like fuel for him. If there are people who are destined to be together—which, disclaimer, I don’t actually believe in, because it’s not scientific—but if there were, it’d be you guys. I think you can work past this, if you can convince him it’s worth trying.”

“Okay, Weller is stubborn, and he might need some convincing,” Zapata said. “But when you’re actually in the same place—when you’re not in a black site or halfway across the world, I mean—you make him happier than you make him sad. At least, you used to, before the cheating thing.”

“And you know what I’ve noticed?” Patterson said. “Since I got here, you’ve been freaking out about Weller leaving you, and you haven’t mentioned the Avery thing once. Which makes me think it isn’t something you should have left him over in the first place, and you subconsciously needed something to blame him for, so you didn’t feel so bad about the cheating.”

“No!” Jane protested. “When I left him, I thought Avery was dead. Now I know she’s not and that Roman set him up, it doesn’t seem like as big a deal. But it’s still something that’s a problem. I just have to get him back before I even worry about it.”

“Okay. You know your own brain best.” Patterson shrugged.

“Come on, Jane. Of all the people you could have called in to go with you to save Avery, you picked the guy you cheated with? It’s like you _wanted_ Weller to find out,” Tasha said. “I would have gone with you. So would Reade.”

“I guess it does feel better to have it out in the open,” Jane said. “Or at least, it did until Kurt took off his ring. Now I just wish I could do the last two years all over again, knowing what I know now.”

“I think we’ve all had that feeling.” Patterson gave her a quick one-armed hug.

“No kidding,” Zapata muttered.

Jane put her elbows on her knees and rested her face in her hands. “I don’t know what to do. I only remember being dumped once before, and I wasn’t invested enough to try to fight it that time. And I’ve never been cheated on, at least, not that I know of.”

“I have,” Tasha said. “While I was with the NYPD. I really loved the guy, too, and he broke my heart. I’ve had trust issues ever since. Never dated a guy for more than a month, and I’m happiest with one-night stands now.”

“Tasha, I don’t think that’s helping,” Patterson said softly.

Jane downed her drink in one, hoping she’d pass out or something and wake up to find out this had just been a horrible dream. What had she done? Would Kurt ever recover from this?

“What I’m saying is that it hurts. A lot. You imagine every dirty little thing the cheater might have done with the other person, you wonder if you just weren’t good enough to hold their attention… It’s really not fun. _But_ ,” Tasha continued, as Patterson cleared her throat pointedly, “I’m not like Weller. I swear, there is nothing that man won’t forgive you for. You just have to convince him it’s worth it, that you’ve learned from your mistakes and he’s the most important thing in your life.”

“So, what does that mean?” Jane asked, still more confused than anything else. “I should ask him how to prove to him that I don’t take him for granted?”

“No, don’t do that,” Patterson said quickly. “For the love of god, don’t do that.”

“That’s like asking him for a test that you can pass. It puts the pressure on him to think of a test, and to forgive you if you pass it. Weller would just see that as another way you weren’t putting in any effort.” Tasha filled up Jane’s drink again as Jane groaned.

“I feel like I’m floundering around in the dark. I don’t remember learning the rules for all this relationship stuff. Do I just need to read more _Cosmo_ or something?”

“If you do, skip the sex tips. I swear, there’s stuff in that section that no human being has ever actually tried on another human being.” Patterson shuddered.

Tasha gave Jane a reassuring smile. “It’s gonna be okay. You’re panicking. Weller’s probably second-guessing himself and building up a giant stubborn wall to get himself through this. You’re gonna have to get back through that wall somehow, and it’ll probably be harder than you think. I don’t even know where you’d start, so don’t ask me. But when you do get through it, all you have to do is talk to each other. Don’t shut each other out. Don’t get paranoid. Don’t keep secrets. Don’t do anything that you know will hurt each other. Then you’ll be fine.”

“And that’s why we’re single,” Patterson added, tipsily lifting her glass. “Cheers.”

* * *

“You’re gonna be fine, man.”

Kurt sighed and pushed away his glass. “I should call her. Make sure she’s okay.”

Reade reached for the bottle of Scotch and pulled it out of Kurt’s reach. “That’s it, I’m cutting you off. Calling Jane is the absolute _worst_ thing you could do right now, and besides, Patterson and Zapata are with her. Gimme that phone.”

Kurt reached for his cell phone, but Reade got to it first. Giving up, he sat back and closed his eyes. It just made the spinning of the room worse. “I love her. What was I thinking, trying to break up with her? I don’t care what she did. I just want her back.”

“Yeah, that’s what you want _now_. But you did this for a reason, remember? You said she takes you for granted, and honestly, I agree. Even before she cheated. Every time she’s needed you, you’ve been there. Can you really say the same for Jane when you’ve needed her?”

Kurt regarded his friend miserably. “No. But I don’t know if I care. She’s my wife, but she’s more important than that. She’s everything.”

Reade rolled his eyes. “If you want to call her, you can do it when you’re stone cold sober. If you really want to get back together with her, you can do it then. But I think you should take some time to think about your options. It won’t kill her to sweat a little.”

“Come on…” Kurt shook his head. “You’re starting to sound like you did in the old days.”

Smiling, Reade shrugged. “Hey, I like Jane. At least, I do _now._ I think you guys were great together. But she needed a wake-up call, and this is it. She never thought this would happen, and now it has, she’s gotta take a long, hard look at herself. That can only be a good thing, for both of you.”

Kurt frowned. “They say love is blind, right? I never imagined that Jane would cheat. D’you think I just don’t see her clearly?”

Reade picked up one of Bethany’s toy cars and shrugged. “Gotta say, I didn’t imagine her cheating, either. She takes more from you than she gives back, but infidelity is different from that. I’d guess the cheating was because she couldn’t come home. I’ve never seen her make eyes at other guys.”

Relieved, Kurt nodded, but the relief didn’t last long. “I don’t know how to get past this, Ed. Every time I close my eyes, I see her with _him_ , and it just kills me.”

“It’s rough. But it gets easier. You just gotta give it time. Like I said, make her sweat a little. Let her do the running after _you_ for a change.”

Snorting, Kurt rotated his empty glass in his fingers. “You’re assuming she thinks I’m worth running after.”

“If she doesn’t run, she’s not worth it. But I think she probably will. Your job is to decide if you want to let her catch you, or if you wanna switch to a whole new track.”

“No other track has my name on it.” Why did the thought of moving on make him want to cry so much?

“Hey, you find the right track, you can _put_ your name on it. Just…metaphorically speaking instead of literally,” Reade joked.

The thought of another woman taking Jane’s place seemed so implausible, he shut it down fast, changing the subject. “Thanks for sitting here in my kid’s bedroom, listening to all this.”

“No problem. You’d do the same for me.” Reade glanced around, amused. “Just…let’s do it somewhere for grown-ups next time.” He paused for a moment, then asked, “So, you gonna leave the taskforce?”

Every fibre of Kurt’s being resisted that idea. Most of that resistance was because he didn’t want to reduce Jane’s backup, but he knew he couldn’t leave, even if he’d wanted to. “Roman wouldn’t give me the chance. If I step back, he’ll notice, and he’ll probably set something up to pull me right back in.”

“Good point,” Reade conceded. “I’ve heard some bad in-law stories, but man, yours are the worst.”

 _For all of us._ _And Jane, most of all._

He tried not to think about leaving her without support while her brother terrorised them all. He’d still be there for her—just not after work.


	3. Not Giving Up

Jane had managed to sleep under the effects of alcohol on Friday night, but Saturday and Sunday she’d tossed and turned, anxious and unable to rest. Now that Monday was here, she was a jumble of dread and anticipation, hoping to get a few moments alone with Kurt before the work day began.

Seeing him smiling at Nas Kamal outside Reade’s office gave her a sharp, unpleasant shock.

If she and Kurt had been on stable ground, she would have been happy to see Nas. They’d never been close, but she owed the NSA agent for initiating the deal that allowed her to earn her freedom, and though Kurt and Nas had been together at one point, Jane used to be secure enough in her marriage that it wouldn’t have bothered her.

Today, though, she was already off-kilter, and Nas’ presence didn’t help. Instead of trying to approach Kurt, she veered off down the hallway and headed for Patterson’s lab.

When the team all congregated to begin the debriefing, the atmosphere in the lab was so tense that Jane just wanted to leave. Reade looked decidedly unfriendly, Rich clueless yet curious, Patterson and Zapata concerned, and Nas uncomfortable.

Kurt stepped past Jane with a quiet, “Morning.” For a moment, he looked as weary and heartsick as she felt, but then she sensed him closing off, and had to swallow the lump in her throat.

She somehow managed to return the greeting before Nas began to update them on the situation. A destructive virus had been stolen from the NSA, and it was critical that they found it quickly. As they watched a proof-of-concept video—a ship being blown up by the virus—Jane knew she should care, but she couldn’t bring herself to feel anything, in case one emotion led to another and she fell apart again.

As the team began to separate to chase leads, Jane stepped towards Reade. “Could I, um, have a word with you?”

Reade nodded, seeming to thaw slightly when he saw how close she was to losing it. “Shoot.”

“I’d like to sit this one out, if you guys can handle it without me. I thought I’d be okay, but I…I think I’d be a liability today.”

Reade sighed, motioning for her to follow him into a less populated corner of the lab. “Look, Jane, I think what you did was damn stupid and selfish, but you’re still my friend, and I care about you. So whatever you need, within reason, just say the word. We might need you later, but for now, you can head out. Maybe go see Avery or something.”

Relieved, Jane exhaled hard. “Thank you. If you need me, just call.”

She made it to the locker room without encountering anyone else, and leaned against her locker with a shaky breath. _Come on. Just get out of the building without crying, and you can call today a success._

She grabbed her jacket and shut her locker door, then glanced up as someone else entered the locker room.

_Kurt._

“You okay?” he asked, his body language and expression guarded. She still sensed his concern, and it only made her feel more fragile.

“Yeah. I, uh…” She didn’t want to tell him she needed to get away from him. That just made everything about her pain again. “How about you?”

He shrugged. “Hanging in there. Where you going?”

 _Anywhere but here._ “Back to the hotel, probably. Reade said it was okay.”

Kurt nodded slowly. “I should get back to work.”

As he turned to leave, she scrambled for some way to connect with him, to let him know she wasn’t going to give up on their relationship just yet. “Kurt?”

He stopped, but didn’t turn around.

“I don’t accept that it’s over. I _can’t_.”

He lowered his head a little, tension radiating from him, but he didn’t speak.

“You have every right to be angry, but…can we talk when this case is done? Please?”

Kurt hesitated for a long moment, then reached for the door handle. “There’s nothing more to say, Jane.”

“Wait,” she pleaded. “I can’t take back the cheating, but I can work on not taking you for granted. I am _so_ sorry for everything, and I _do_ want to work on it. But I can’t, if you won’t let me try. Please, just give me a chance.”

Kurt paused for one moment more, then opened the locker room door. “I wanted to try to make things up to you. It didn’t make any difference. You left me anyway.”

Before she could reply, he walked away, leaving the door to slowly swing shut behind him.

* * *

Kurt wasn’t sure how he got through the case. Rich was more irritating than usual, the whole team atmosphere was off, and Nas was too single-mindedly focused on her goal to really engage with the emotional undercurrents around her.

It wasn’t until the threat was neutralised that she turned to Kurt and said, “So, trouble in paradise?”

“More like ‘paradise lost’.”

Nas’ perfectly tapered eyebrows rose. “It’s over?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Nas.” The pain on Jane’s face, and the ache in his chest, were too acute for him to cheapen by talking about the situation with his ex.

“Fair enough.” She shrugged. “Just don’t let yourself stand in the way of your own happiness, all right? I’d say the same to Jane, if she were here.”

Kurt nodded, only half-listening.

“The past is in the past. Focus on the future, and what you want to get from it.” She put a light hand on his shoulder before stepping back. “Goodbye, Kurt.”

He watched her go, sighing. _Easy for her to say. She doesn’t even know the circumstances._

Longing to go home and curl up on the couch with his wife, to de-stress and forget about the case, he felt another sharp pang of yearning for Jane. The worst part was that the only thing stopping him from seeing her was his own decision to keep his distance.

Being around her today had been difficult—even more so when she’d begged to be allowed to fix their broken relationship. She’d looked on the verge of tears, desperate to prove herself to him, and he’d almost been swayed. Until he’d remembered that just a week earlier, it had been him pleading for _her_ forgiveness, and she’d still left her wedding ring behind and walked out.

If he took her back now, nothing would change. She’d probably be extra attentive for a while, but then she’d get comfortable again, and fall back into their old ways. Maybe she’d never cheat again, but she’d still take him for granted.

Even as he knew he was making the right decision by refusing her, his heart was in shreds, and guilt had taken up what seemed like permanent residence in his stomach. He didn’t remember ever having been at such odds with himself before.

When he returned home, it was just past dawn. The dark web party and the ensuing chaos control had taken all night, and Kurt was more than ready to go to bed. It had been so long since he’d had a decent night’s rest, he thought he was just about exhausted enough to sleep until the evening.

Reaching the bedroom, he noticed an envelope on the end of the bed, and picked it up, trepidation taking root in his mind. What if Jane had decided to run again? Sure, she had a daughter here now, but from what Kurt had seen, Avery was still very distrustful of her birth mother. Maybe Jane had decided both he and Avery would be happier without her. Maybe—

He opened the envelope, stopping his imagination in its tracks. Thinking up worst-case scenarios was useless when the answer probably lay within reach.

Jane’s plain but neat handwriting made his heart wrench, before he registered the words she’d written.

> _Kurt,_
> 
> _Just came by to pick up some more clothes. I know you don’t want to talk right now, so I’ll keep this short._
> 
> _I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through. Maybe a better person would just let you go, to find happiness somewhere else, but I’m not giving up on us, not unless you tell me there’s no hope._
> 
> _I love you, and I miss you._
> 
> _Jane_

Taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the lump that had risen in his throat, Kurt stared down at the letter, feeling more optimistic than he had in weeks.

Jane’s note didn’t change how much she’d hurt him, or how much he’d hurt her. It didn’t erase her infidelity or his deception, didn’t change the balance of their relationship. They still had so much work to do, on both sides. He wasn’t about to call her and tell her to come home right then.

But for the first time since Jane had learned about Avery’s existence, Kurt had real, shining hope that they’d eventually get through this dark time in their lives. That they’d come out the other side united, their love stronger than it ever had been before.

Maybe he was fooling himself, but he had to believe in their future together. She was determined to try to fix things, and despite how much salt her betrayal had ground into his wounds, he wanted her to make the attempt.

There was a second page tucked behind the first, and Kurt turned his attention to it, his lips curving in a sad smile.

It was a sketch of their wedding rings—hers delicate, thin and studded with tiny diamonds, and his thicker, darker and plainer, but no less symbolic. Kurt glanced from the sketch to his left hand, where his ring usually sat. His hand had felt strange ever since he’d taken it off.

On a hunch, he went to Jane’s jewellery box and opened it. As he’d expected, her wedding ring was gone, and he was certain that next time he saw her, it would be back on her finger, where it belonged.

If only fixing a marriage was as simple as putting rings back on fingers, relying on love to get them through. Their marriage would need much, much more.

But this was a starting point.


	4. Daughters and Drawings

The next few weeks were one long, painful blur for Jane. She spent her days working cases, as she always had, but unless it was to discuss an aspect of the investigation at hand, she and Kurt exchanged no more than the briefest of pleasantries.

A week after he’d rejected her, she’d tried again to suggest a conversation, and he’d shot her down. “Every time I look at you, I imagine you with another man. I need space, Jane. If you really respect my feelings, stop trying to do this on your schedule and do it on mine.”

Wounded by his harsh tone, she’d retreated, agonising over how to handle the situation if he wouldn’t even allow her to talk to him. At the same time, what he said made sense to her. Again, she was trying to cross the boundaries that he’d set, and in doing so, putting her own needs ahead of his. Although she was worried that he’d get used to not having her around and decide he was happier without her, she repressed her fears as much as she could and kept her distance.

Forced to accept that their separation could be long-term, she used some of her leftover K and R money to rent a small apartment. It wasn’t anywhere near as nice as home, but it was warm, functional, cheaper than staying in a hotel, and it served as a change of scenery for Avery, who was going stir crazy in her safehouse. Bonding with her estranged daughter was a gradual task, and Avery’s reservations were slow to diminish, but Jane felt positive that with time, they could be family in an emotional sense as well as biological.

Avery was concerned that she’d been the catalyst for Kurt’s split from Jane, and though Jane attempted to reassure her, she wasn’t sure how convincing she was. Avery’s manipulation of Kurt had been the start of their relationship’s breakdown, though the rest of the underlying problems would probably have come to light at some point anyway.

“He loves you so much. I could tell that, from the moment I saw him arguing with the hotel check-in clerk. He was frantic to find you, and when he talked about you, his words were just so warm and caring. I can’t imagine his feelings changing so drastically.”

“Have you ever been in a serious relationship?” Jane asked.

Avery sighed. “Ummm… Not really. I had a few dates here and there, but then my mom got sick and I wasn’t in the mood for socialising much. Then after she died, it wasn’t that long until my dad died too, so I never really got serious with anyone.”

“I’m sorry,” Jane said softly. It must have been tough on her daughter to face so much death in her teenage years.

“So were you gonna impart some kind of wisdom about how in serious relationships, blah blah blah?” Avery asked, deflecting her sympathy with typical teenage cynicism.

Jane couldn’t help but smile a little. “Your parents told you about the birds and the bees, right?”

Avery rolled her eyes. “Oh, gross. Don’t make me think about you and Kurt like that.” As Jane just gazed at her, eyebrows raised, she sighed. “Yes. Sperm. Egg. Birth control. STDs. I got the whole works. You don’t have to go through it again.”

“Okay, good.” _At least that’s one thing I don’t have to worry about._ “But what I was going to say originally was, you can love someone more than anything else, but if you can’t trust them, it doesn’t matter how much you love them. It’s not gonna work out unless you can re-establish that trust. And maybe Kurt and I can’t do that. I…don’t know yet.”

Avery nodded. “That makes sense. I guess it’s not that different from you and me learning to trust each other, huh?”

“Exactly. We didn’t start out great, since I didn’t get to raise you, and then you were manipulated by Roman. But we’ll get there, if we both want to trust and be trusted enough.” Jane gave her daughter a small smile.

“I guess so. What about you and Kurt?”

Jane looked down at her wedding ring and wondered the same thing. “I hope so.”

* * *

Even though she’d decided to respect Kurt’s need for space, she couldn’t step back completely. She was certain that he’d interpret that as her not caring enough to fight for him at all. For the first couple of weeks, she wasn’t sure how to make inroads without hurting him, but on her lunch break one day, she noticed a new brand of candy bar that she was positive he’d love. Her husband’s sweet tooth had surprised her when she’d first learned about it, but it was one of her favourite things about him.

After a quick internal debate, she bought one and took it back to the office at the end of her lunch. Kurt had taken an earlier break than she had, and was engrossed in a report on his computer screen, cross-checking it against a printout and scribbling things down on a notepad.

Without disturbing him, she slid the candy bar onto the edge of his desk and continued on towards her own workspace, keeping half an eye on him while she resumed the phone calls on her list.

A few minutes later, Kurt’s concentration broke enough for him to notice the new addition to his desk. Looking puzzled but intrigued, he picked up the candy bar, studied it for a second, then looked around for possible sources.

When their eyes met, his eyebrow rose slightly in a question. Her pulse quickening, Jane gave him a quick smile and looked back at her screen, not wanting to push further than he was comfortable with. When she dared to look in his direction again, he’d resumed working, the candy bar placed next to his coffee mug, the way he treated all his mid-afternoon snacks.

It was no huge step forward, but it was a way to show that she was ready when he was, and that he was on her mind. After that, she made sure she picked up a couple of treats for him every week, saving them for moments when he looked stressed or in need of a break.

She also sent him drawings, leaving one in their mailbox every Saturday night. Working from her fondest memories of him, she drew him on the first night they’d met, her hand on his face and his expression striving for blankness, though he was clearly uncomfortable. Underneath, she talked about how alone she’d felt, and how he’d been the first person she’d really connected with. How much she’d appreciated him tolerating her, despite his obvious aversion to being touched. How badly she’d wanted to be able to remember him, and how disappointed she’d been when her mind hadn’t come up with anything.

The next week, she sent him a sketch of him the night they’d first kissed, a little embarrassed and floundering for composure as he’d handed his nephew, Sawyer, the bag of groceries he’d been out shopping for. The memory always made her smile, and she made sure to write a note detailing how nervous she’d been as she’d waited for him, then how relieved she was and how much she’d wanted him as he’d finally begun to kiss her back. Then her shock and amusement at being interrupted, and the way she’d made herself walk away because her feelings had been so intense.

Next was a sketch of him crouched behind a car, wearing his FBI-issue vest, his weapon drawn and his attention on her. She’d written underneath how she loved how well they could read each other out in the field, and back each other up to come out of each situation safely, sometimes without saying anything. Their partnership had meant a great deal to her back when she’d had nothing, and as their bond had deepened, so had her appreciation of the way they worked together as partners.

After that, she drew a close-up of his face as she remembered it from after they’d first admitted their love for each other, when they’d been lying in bed, gazing at each other with soft smiles, hardly able to believe that they’d finally had sex. Underneath, she related how safe and loved he’d made her feel, and how right it had felt that they were together. After debating with herself, she also included a couple of lines about how he’d made her feel during their first time, blushing a little.

The next week, she sent a picture of him gazing down at his newborn daughter, looking absolutely wonderstruck. She’d taken a couple of surreptitious photographs with her phone that day, but she might as well have brought in a professional photographer with a full set of lights, for all that he would have noticed. Nothing except for Bethany had existed for him in that moment, and when he’d finally looked up towards Jane, tears in his eyes, she’d been unable to help but laugh at how overwhelmed with love and protectiveness he’d seemed. She wrote it all down, cherishing the memory all over again as she relived it.

The obvious choice for her next sketch was the way he’d looked at her as he’d spoken their marriage vows, but she was hesitant to draw it, afraid that it would bring to the forefront of his mind the way she’d broken those same vows, and cause him pain. Instead, she drew him asleep in the passenger seat of the removal van as they’d made the long drive from New York City to Denver, to start their new life together. She described how full of excitement she’d been for the possibilities, how rewarding she’d found it to make the new house their own, and how she’d looked forward to getting to know Bethany better as she grew and developed her own little personality.

It didn’t matter if she came back to the present moment before he forgave her. She could always work backwards again, picking more special moments from their shared past, until he realised that even though she hadn’t shown it as overtly, the way she felt about him was intense and genuine.

And she’d come up with another plan for a specific moment. It was almost time to put that one into place.

* * *

The anniversary of Taylor Shaw’s disappearance—of her _death_ —was always a depressing day for Kurt. In the past, he’d taken the day off work to drive up to Clearfield, to visit the memorial where Emma, her mother, used to hold yearly services up until her death. Since he’d discovered Taylor’s body, he visited her grave instead, on the outskirts of Allegheny National Forest. It was unmarked, but he still remembered exactly where it was.

He sat there for a long time that year, thinking about Taylor, and about Jane. Despite the fact that they’d never met, the two were inseparably linked in his mind, thanks to Sandstorm’s plans. He’d wanted to bring Jane to ‘meet’ Taylor this year, as strange as that seemed to him. He doubted Taylor was haunting her gravesite, but still, a superstitious part of him wanted his childhood friend to know that he’d finally found happiness.

Those plans had fallen by the wayside as soon as he and Jane had begun having problems. Maybe by next year, they’d be in a good place and he could bring her here, but not this time.

For the millionth time, he wondered what sort of person Taylor would have grown up to be. Now that adult-Taylor and Jane were linked in his mind, it was hard to imagine they’d be all that different. He was sure they would have been friends, if they’d been able to meet. Jane had a lot of the core traits that Taylor had exhibited when they were young—a daredevil, unafraid to argue or stand up for a good cause, physically active...

Taylor had never shown a particular aptitude for art, though. Maybe that was unfair of him, since she’d only been five years old when she’d died. She could have developed better skills later in life. But somehow, he didn’t see her being the type.

Jane, on the other hand, was a talented artist, and every weekend since he’d told her she couldn’t come home, she’d been leaving him sketches. It might have struck him as odd that she was sending him pictures of himself, if she hadn’t accompanied each one with her recollection of what had been happening at the time. She drew him into a new memory every week: the first time they’d met, the first time they’d kissed, the first time they’d made love… Each was a memory he cherished, but only had from his own perspective. Reading her thoughts about those days in their past had given him deeper insight into how she felt about him, and what stuck out to her as important.

With each weekly memory—and each small, sweet treat she left on his desk as a token of affection—his hurt receded a little. These days, when he looked at her, it was easier to see his wife, the woman he loved, than the woman who had cheated on him. If he let himself dwell on her betrayal, it still ate him up inside, but maybe it always would.

Jane had stopped trying to force him into a conversation he wasn’t ready for, though he frequently looked up from his desk to find her watching him with subtle longing. It didn’t seem to be an intentional guilt trip, however—she always dropped her gaze with a wistful smile when he caught her looking.

Maybe it was time to have a conversation. Or maybe rushing it would be just as big a mistake as concealing Avery’s existence from her.

His thoughts were derailed as he opened his apartment door to the scent of coffee, and the unexpected sound of…toddler toys?

“Daddy!”

Confused, Kurt dropped into a crouch to meet Bethany’s enthusiastic hug. “Hey, there’s my girl. What are you doing here?”

“Surprise!” His daughter beamed at him, and he couldn’t help but smile back as his heart melted.

_No kidding. I sure wasn’t expecting this._

Allie came out of Bethany’s bedroom with a welcoming smile. “Hey, you’re finally back!”

He picked Bethany up and got to his feet. “Hey. Not that I’m not glad to see you, but how did you get in?”

Allie crossed to the percolator and poured a couple of mugs of fresh coffee, then fished a sippy cup out of what they’d jokingly termed Bethany’s ‘go bag’. “Oh, I picked the lock,” she said sarcastically, then reached into her pocket to pull out Jane’s key, complete with the keychain of a fluffy monster that Bethany had picked out for her stepmother for Christmas.

Kurt’s heart twinged at the sight of it, and Allie sighed. “I know that look. I thought I’d seen the last of it when you found her last time, but…”

“Yeah, me too.”

Once they got Bethany settled with her toys, Allie and Kurt sat down to catch up. “So, is there a reason you didn’t call to tell me you guys were in town?” he asked, still mystified.

“You’re a little slow on the uptake today, huh?” Allie teased. “Because it’s not a surprise if you know we’re coming, and Jane wanted us to surprise you.”

Kurt blinked. “She set this whole thing up? You didn’t just call her when you found out I wasn’t home?”

“Nope.” Allie watched him closely for a reaction. “She called a couple of weeks ago. Said you could use some Bethany therapy, and it had to be exactly today that we showed up. Taylor’s memorial day, right?”

“Yeah.”

Bethany distracted him by throwing herself at his legs, and he ruffled her hair and offered her a plush toy before turning back to Allie.

“Jane and I…we still haven’t talked.”

His ex gave him a knowing look. “Let me guess whose idea that was.”

“You also want to guess who cheated on who?” he shot back, irritated.

He hadn’t previously divulged the details of his separation from Jane, but Allie didn’t look shocked. Apparently, Jane had filled her in.

“And I sympathise. I really do. In any other situation, I’d tell you to get a good lawyer and get a divorce right now, because once a cheater, always a cheater.”

Sensing there was more to come, Kurt prompted, “But…?”

“But she thought she could never come home. She’d tried to get to the bounty holder and she couldn’t, and she’d resigned herself to the fact that she’d be putting us all in danger if she ever came back. Can you imagine how depressing that must have been? How isolating? Put yourself in her shoes for a moment. If you thought you could never see Jane again, and someone offered you sex while you were hurting, are you a hundred percent certain you could say no?”

Her knowing look made it clear that she was thinking of the night they’d conceived Bethany.

“That was different. Jane and I were never officially together until after that.”

“Quit nitpicking and think about it. You know it must have hurt her to come out of that black site and learn you had a baby on the way. Sure, you guys had made things official by the time Jane cheated, but we both know you only…” She glanced at Bethany, who was reading a cardboard book to some of her toys, making up the story as she went along. Lowering her voice a little, she continued, “…you only had sex with me that night because you were grieving for what you thought you could never have again with Jane. Whether or not you’d actually agreed to date at that point, you were both emotionally invested and then something went wrong and put you both out of each other’s reach.”

“So you’re saying I should just get over it.” Kurt shifted uncomfortably. He still thought Allie was wrong. The situations were different. Jane could have at least written to him from Europe and told him she was moving on before she’d actually jumped into bed with someone else. Not that he would have accepted that. _Ugh, this whole thing makes my head hurt._

“I’m saying is that life doesn’t always fall into perfect little moral boxes.” Allie sighed. “Anyway, Jane said it was more than just the cheating, and she sounds more than determined to try to make your relationship more balanced.”

“Yeah.” He shrugged. “I don’t know if it will work, but I want to give her the opportunity to try. At some point.”

“Soon?” Allie prompted.

“Yeah. But I don’t know if it’ll work. If she loves me even half as much as I love her.”

Allie groaned. “Kurt, as someone who’s been observing your relationship with Jane from the start, let me tell you this: no one loves _anything_ even half as much as you love her. I’ve met heroin addicts who don’t love heroin as much as you love that woman.”

Confused, Kurt frowned at her. “So you’re saying what? That I love her too much?”

“No. I think what you two have is great. But Jane had a screwed-up childhood that she barely remembers. She doesn’t remember all the mistakes she made while she was growing up, so she hasn’t learned from them. She was brought up by a woman who pitted her against her brother to compete for affection. She’s emotionally stunted as a result, and of course she’s still learning what unconditional love is. She never had it before she met you.”

Allie shrugged and sipped her coffee, while Kurt processed her words. Before he could speak, she began again. “But sure, she needs to step up her game. No one’s denying that, not even Jane. And of course you should hold her accountable for her mistakes. I’ve already given her an earful for not treating you better. And if she screws up again, you bet I’ll be helping you find a divorce lawyer. You don’t deserve to be treated like dirt.”

“I’m getting very mixed messages here, Allie.” She was making sense, but he was still unsure what to do about everything.

“Back in the day, I tried to love you when you didn’t want to let anyone in. It was impossible. You just put up these walls that I couldn’t even think about climbing, no matter how much I wanted to get to the person you were inside. And I can tell you’ve started rebuilding since you left Jane.” Allie touched his shoulder, shaking her head. “She’s going to need a little dynamite to blow a tunnel through your defences, but you’re the one who’s gonna have to break out the wrecking ball once she’s partway there.”

“Ball?” Bethany asked, holding up a colourful plastic ball as big as her head.

“You want to play with the ball for a while?” Allie smiled at her.

They turned their attention to their daughter, and Kurt’s spirits were lifted just by being with Bethany. Not only that, but his mood was improved by the reason she was here. Jane had known how hard today would be for him, and since her direct comfort wouldn’t be welcomed, she’d planned something special for him regardless.

It was considerate and sweet, and he wished he could get past his own stubbornness to call and tell her so. But though he stared at his phone for a while as Allie stepped out on the balcony to call Connor, he couldn’t bring himself to dial her number. Not yet.


	5. Reconciliation

“Jane?”

At the sound of Kurt’s voice, Jane looked up from stashing her bulletproof vest back in her locker. She and Tasha had been able to apprehend a suspect in one of the tattoo cases, but not without a lengthy gunfight. She’d taken a bullet in the plates on her way from one point of cover to another, and her side would be aching for a couple of days, but otherwise, they’d come through unscathed.

“Hey,” she said, smiling at her estranged husband. “What do you need?”

It was easier to talk to him that way, these days—to make their interactions transactional. He needed information from her; she would give it, and they’d go on with their work.

“Actually, I just wanted to say thank you. For yesterday.”

Jane’s heart skipped, and she closed her locker door as casually as she could, hoping her nervousness didn’t show. _Don’t screw this up, Jane._ “You’re welcome. I hope it made the day a little easier.”

Kurt gave her a small, but genuine smile—the first time he’d shown any kind of warmth towards her for a couple of months. “It did. I appreciate it.”

“I’m glad it helped.” She didn’t want this interaction with him to end, but what else could she say? She’d seen Allie and Bethany when they’d come to pick up her key to the apartment, so asking how they were would be a little pointless. She ended up gazing at him with a hopefulness that was rapidly turning awkward as the moment stretched out.

“Zapata said you’d taken a bullet in the vest. You okay?”

Slightly flustered, she glanced down at the sore spot on the right side of her abdomen. “Oh—yeah. It was only a nine mil—not much stopping power.”

“Good.” Kurt stepped back, nodding, but not before she’d seen a flash of relief cross his face. “I’m gonna head to the interrogation room. Reade’s waiting on me, so…”

“Okay.” Jane stifled her disappointment and nodded back, still striving to keep her demeanour casual. “See you later.”

After he’d left, she stared at the door for a moment, then reached into her shirt and pulled out Kurt’s wedding ring, which she’d taken to wearing on a long silver chain inside her shirt. For the first time, he’d taken a small step back to her—or had he? Maybe he was just being polite because she’d done something nice for him.

After examining the ring for a few seconds, torn between optimism and realism, she slipped the chain back inside her clothing and headed back to SIOC.

* * *

That Saturday night, as he gazed from his balcony at the traffic moving along the Brooklyn Bridge, Kurt searched his soul for the right course of action. Jane would be coming by within the next twenty minutes to drop her weekly drawing into their mailbox. With a little detective work, he’d discovered that she left it at roughly the same time every week, just before she headed to their local gym, a couple of blocks away from the apartment.

This week, he wanted to lie in wait for her outside the building, the way she’d waited for him just before their first kiss, what seemed like a lifetime ago. He just wasn’t sure what he’d say—or do—when she got there.

As the moment approached, he was still no closer to figuring it out, but if he didn’t go downstairs now, he’d have to wait another week. And although he’d been hesitant to call her just a few days ago, after their stilted conversation in the locker room, he’d realised he didn’t want things to deteriorate any further between them. Not only that, but he missed her.

Giving himself no more time to obsess, he went outside and sat in the same spot as Jane had that night. Less than five minutes later, he noticed her approaching, at a fast walk at first, but then slowing as she recognised him and began to wonder if she should just leave.

He got to his feet, gesturing that she should come over, and Jane tentatively crossed the distance between them. “Hey.”

“Hey, yourself.”

“I was just gonna drop off—” she started, her expression guarded.

“I know,” he interrupted, saving her the explanation.

Jane reached into her gym bag and pulled out an envelope identical to the others she’d been leaving for him. “If you’re waiting for someone, I’ll just hand it over and get going, I guess.”

He took the envelope and put it into his jacket pocket, shaking his head. “I was waiting for _you_.”

Jane’s eyebrows rose in genuine surprise. “You were?”

In stark contrast to the problem that had caused him to separate from her, Kurt’s heart now ached at how little she expected from him. Things had changed so much in such a short time, some for the better, but others…

Acting instinctively, he stepped forward and slid his hand across the side of her neck, leaning in close enough to make his intentions clear. Jane gazed up at him, her breath catching, and he could read both hope and anxiety in her expression. She tilted her head, their lips only an inch apart, then stalled, searching his face for answers.

After a charged, drawn-out moment that made his heart race, Kurt brushed his lips over hers. Jane made a tiny, involuntary noise of relief and kissed him back, a slow, heartfelt reconnection that stole his breath.

Kurt had worried that he’d never be able to kiss her again without wondering how he compared to Clem Hahn, but now he was actually with her, all he could think about was how much he’d missed her, how much he loved her.

As he drew back to look into her face, he realised she was trembling.

“What does this—?”

He kissed her again, partly because he had no idea how to answer her question. Jane pressed closer, her arms around his neck and her gym bag thudding to the sidewalk next to them, forgotten. Kurt lost himself in her warm, familiar, loving embrace, one kiss merging into the next until the intrusive blare of a car’s horn broke into their shared consciousness. They parted, breathless and smiling.

Jane gazed up at him, her happiness holding more than a hint of confusion. “Talk to me, Kurt.”

Kurt tried to gather his thoughts, realising he still had no idea what to do next. “I just needed to see you.”

Her lips twitched, and he realised she’d said the exact same thing to him right before she’d kissed him that first time. “I’m glad.”

Losing the battle with himself, he sighed. “Things might not be right for a while. And I’m gonna need a little more time before you move back in here. But… Do you want to come up for an hour or two? We could talk, maybe order in some dinner if you haven’t eaten yet…”

“Yeah,” Jane agreed, tears springing to her eyes. “I’d… I’d really like that.”

Kurt kissed her forehead gently, then bent to pick up her gym bag. “Okay. Good.”

The silence was a little awkward as they went inside, making their way up to the apartment without encountering any of their neighbours. Jane closed the door behind them and stopped, as though unsure whether to act like a guest or settle in like she half-owned the place—which she did.

Knowing she usually drank oolong tea at this time of night, Kurt inclined his head towards the couch. “Have a seat. I’ll make you some tea. Unless you want a beer?”

“Thanks. Tea’s perfect,” she said softly, and sat by the window, looking out into the night as he headed into the kitchen.

Once they had drinks and had ordered some Indian food, Kurt came to sit beside his wife. “So, anything I missed this past couple of months?”

Jane considered for a moment. “Not that much. I see Avery every few days. That’s going…okay.”

“Okay?” He laced his fingers through hers, and she glanced down with a quick smile.

“About as well as can be expected. I mean, you’ve seen her when she’s been at the office. She’s prickly. Doesn’t like being caged in. Wants to find Crawford yesterday.”

“Yeah, I noticed.” Jane’s daughter had a lot in common with her. Now that Avery was safe—and he knew she was alive—he could find it amusing, but he still couldn’t shake a flare of anxiety every now and then when he looked at her. He’d been carrying around the burden of her ‘death’ for so long, and worrying about what his wife would think when she found out. Some of that residual fear still remained.

“But here and there, when she forgets to be a sulky teenager…there are bright spots.” She sighed, but her expression was hopeful. He sensed she wanted a deeper bond with Avery very much.

“You’ll get there.” He squeezed her hand.

“Yeah. I think we will.” Jane glanced up into his face, and he sensed she wasn’t just talking about Avery. Then she cleared her throat a little and changed the subject. “How about you? Anything exciting happen while I’ve been away?”

They caught up while they ate, the conversation slower to come than usual, a little less relaxed, but still enjoyable. After the food was gone, Kurt shifted a few inches closer on the couch and took Jane’s hand again.

“I want to thank you.”

Jane blinked. “For what?”

Kurt stroked his thumb across the back of her hand in a slow, repetitive arc as he spoke. “For giving me space when I asked you to. And for the drawings. And the all the chocolate.”

She smiled. “You’re welcome. I didn’t want to push, but I…”

“It was perfect.” He brought her hand up to his lips and kissed it gently. “And thoughtful. And it meant a lot that you listened.”

Jane nodded. “I don’t want to make the same mistakes again, Kurt.”

“I know. Neither do I.” Her sincerity was obvious, as was her anxiety. Hoping to quell the latter, Kurt told her, “I missed you. Every day.”

“I missed you, too.” She took a deep, shaky breath, then asked, “What do you need from me? I mean… I don’t want to screw up now that we’re talking again. I just… I don’t—”

Kurt kissed her again, stopping her before she could overthink any further. Jane laughed softly against his lips and melted against him, and he ran his fingers down her throat to the hollow between her collar bones, then lower, to the shallow V at the front of her shirt.

Jane drew back before he could continue, her face amused. “I thought you wanted to talk.”

“Yeah. But I wanted to stop you from worrying, too.” He cupped her face in his hand and looked into her eyes. “I fell in love with you because you’re who you are, Jane. We both have things we need to work on. We know that, and we will. But I’m not gonna make you play guessing games. If there’s something I need you to do, or stop doing, I’ll tell you. Okay?”

“Okay,” she whispered, and laid her head on his shoulder, snuggling close. “I’ll do the same.”

“Having said that… I think we should get the difficult stuff out of the way. To clear the air completely.” He didn’t want to ruin their evening, but they couldn’t just ignore all this.

“Yeah.” Jane held onto him for a moment longer, then sat up, shifting away from him a little. “We have to clean up the bloodstains, not just put down a new rug on top of them.”

He couldn’t help but smile a little. “Nice analogy.”

Jane took a second, then said, “I think I got everything I wanted to say out in the open, but you… You mostly went quiet, so…”

Kurt nodded slowly, then asked the question that had been burning in his chest for a couple of months now. “How did you feel about him? Did you love him?”

“No.” Jane fidgeted uncomfortably, but met his eyes. “I was never even close to loving him.”

It should have been a relief, but he couldn’t feel it. Not yet. “The way you worked with him…the way you connected with him…was a lot like the way we started out.”

Jane nodded. “Yeah. I won’t deny that. We were partners for around six months. I was trying to stay under the radar, so after the job where we met, he took the assignments, we worked them together, he got paid, then he gave me half.”

“That’s a lot of trust you put in him. What if he’d sold you out for a share of the bounty? Or killed you for it himself?” Kurt didn’t know why he was pushing this. He guessed he just wanted to understand what her thought processes about Hahn had been.

“He didn’t know about it at first. By the time I told him, it…it was pretty obvious he was invested in our partnership enough to want to keep me safe.” Jane looked down at her hands.

“You mean you could tell he wanted you.” He was still somehow cultivating just the right amount of numbness to get through this conversation without reacting badly. And could he blame the guy for falling for Jane? Of course not. He had fallen for her, too.

“Yeah,” she whispered.

“And you felt the same.”

“No.” She looked up at him, eyes sorrowful. “Not the same. Nowhere near as strong. Kurt…” For a second, she seemed to be lost for words, but then she said, “I’d been relying on no one but myself for almost a year when I met him. It was being part of a team again that drew me to him. Working alone has its advantages, but you don’t have anyone to back you up. The only opinion you have to go on is your own. And I was going a little crazy. I needed a friend. That’s all he was to me for most of that partnership. A friend who, in another life, could have been more.”

As Kurt listened, Allie’s words about isolation and depression came back to him, and he remembered his own frustrations after his father’s death—the ones that just wouldn’t leave him alone. He’d been glad to lose himself in Allie that night, distracting himself, but the morning after, they’d both regretted it.

Maybe, despite the obvious commitment differences, he could understand Jane’s perspective a little. Which didn’t make what she’d done right, but…

Guilty people generally didn’t like silence, and Jane was no different in this case. “The only way I can think to explain it is that I was dehydrated, and someone offered me seawater. I suspected it was seawater, but I drank it anyway, and it only made me feel worse. And that’s all that I can really say, except for that I’m sorry I did it, because my drinking seawater affected both of us, not just me.” She sighed. “I guess the analogy falls apart there. I’ll… I’ll shut up.”

“You really felt that bad? After?”

Jane reached out as if to take his hand, then pulled back again, as though sensing he didn’t want her to touch him right now. “It was you that I missed. And he wasn’t you. All that night did was make me miss you more, and that’s when I knew I had to leave Europe. I wasn’t being fair to any of us by staying.”

“Okay.” It wasn’t okay. Part of him was pretty sure it would never be okay. But he didn’t want to hear Jane justify herself anymore. He only had one more question. “Did you at least use protection?”

“Yes. And I got a sexual health check when I had to head out to Australia for a couple of days, just in case. I knew I was clean when we started sleeping together again. I swear.”

Kurt nodded. “Then I think we’re done talking about this. As long as you’re sure you don’t want to go back to Europe when we’ve taken Roman and Crawford down, that is.” He couldn’t help the slight edge to his tone.

Jane shook her head. “I already burned that bridge after we got back from Germany. He offered. I turned him down. And when he sent me a text message a week later, I asked him to delete my number.”

“Didn’t want to be tempted?”

“I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea, and I didn’t want to give him any hope that we might have a future.” Jane’s voice was sharp. “I know you’re hurting, and I accept that it was my fault, but there is no possibility that I would ever have cheated on you if I’d thought I could go home, Kurt. I’m not making excuses for what I did, but this wasn’t the self-control issue that other couples go through.”

“I know. That’s the only reason I’m willing to work this out.” He fought his anger, knowing it was just his pain that was making him lash out. Intellectually, he’d forgiven her, but emotionally he still had a way to travel.

“Are you sure you’re ready?” Jane asked. “Because if you’re rushing this for any reason, I can give you more time. I’m still completely in love with you, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Kurt searched himself once more, gazing at his wife. Looking her infidelity in the eye had brought up the hurt again, but he could see that his pain also hurt her. Either they could continue on this loop of blame and defensiveness, or something had to give.

He took her hand. “This won’t be fixed overnight. But I really have missed you, and I want to start moving forward.”

Jane rested her other hand over his, and nodded. “Just lead the way, and I’ll follow. Anywhere you need me to go.”

Torn between wanting her to leave and wanting to re-establish the closeness between them, he again remembered Allie’s words—this time, about meeting Jane halfway. After all, she’d left him before he’d refused to take her back. His actions had wounded her just as much as hers had injured him. Putting aside his instinct to push his wife away, he put his arms around her, knowing he’d made the right decision when some of the tension within him seeped away in her embrace.

He kissed the top of her head. “I love you.”

“I love you. I’m so sorry.” She tightened her arms around him, and from the way she tensed up, he could tell she was struggling to hold back sobs.

“I’m sorry, too.” He blinked back his own tears, tilting up her chin to catch her eye. “It’s okay, Jane. You don’t have to hide how you feel.”

She held out a moment longer, her jaw clenched stubbornly, but then she broke down, her jagged breaths hot against his shirt as her tears fell. Kurt cried with her, tears of relief, remorse and regret that washed away some of the pain of her betrayal. Jane squeezed his hand, brought it to her lips, covered it in kisses between sobs.

Slowly, they calmed down together, Kurt reaching for the box of tissues on the end table so they could compose themselves.

“I never want to lose you again,” Jane whispered, stroking her fingers down his jaw. “No matter what happens, I promise, I won’t run from you.”

“Not even to keep me safe?” It was a test, but not a serious one. They both knew their life came with risks, that their future couldn’t be foreseen.

“Not without discussing it with you first. And getting your agreement.” Trepidation dawned in her eyes, as though she feared that wouldn’t be enough.

He smiled. “Good answer.”

Jane smiled back, then sighed. “I should probably go, right? We shouldn’t push too far, too fast?”

Kurt buried his face in her neck for a second, inhaling her familiar scent. More than anything, he wanted to tell her they should go get her stuff, bring it home and go back to the way things should be. But she was right—they’d just weathered the worst period of an almost catastrophic separation. They needed to ease back into this.

“Yeah,” he said, raising his head again to look at her. “That probably makes sense.”

Jane nodded. “Okay.” Instead of moving, she reached down inside her shirt and brought out a silver chain with something threaded through it.

“My wedding ring.” His heart seemed to swell at the sight of it, and he reached out to cup the warm silver band in his palm. “You’ve been wearing it like this the whole time?”

“Every day since you took it off,” she confirmed softly, her words similar to the ones he’d spoken back when she’d realised he’d been carrying her ring with him. “But you don’t have to take it back yet, if you’re not ready. I just wanted you to know I have it safe.”

Kurt tried to put it back on his finger, but the chain got in the way, stopping him from getting it over the second knuckle. With a grin, he reached up and unsnagged the clasp on the necklace, then pulled the ring free and slid it back into place.

“Thank you,” Jane murmured, stroking her fingertips over the ring. “This means so much to me.”

He gave her a soft, loving kiss. “I think we should stop here for tonight. Let everything settle.”

Jane nodded. “Okay. I’ll see you at work on Monday.”

She gathered her belongings, and they shared a long, restorative hug near the kitchen, reconnecting a little more with each second that passed. Then Jane stepped back and opened the door.

“Don’t forget to open your drawing,” she told him, and left with a wistful smile on her face.

After the door shut, Kurt took a deep breath, feeling both physically and emotionally drained, but also hopeful about their future. He crossed to where he’d hung up his jacket and removed the envelope from his pocket, then carefully tore it open.

For the first time, Jane hadn’t drawn a picture of him, and he gazed down at the sketch of a woman who was at once familiar to him, but also a stranger. It wasn’t until he saw the caption under the picture that he realised who the woman was supposed to be.

 _Taylor Shaw, 2018_  – _based on pictures of Taylor and Emma Shaw._

She didn’t look like Jane Doe. That was just a bias his mind had constructed in order to accept Jane as Taylor. As he examined the sketch, he realised Jane must have spent a lot of time studying the photographs of Taylor and her mother, getting the features they had in common just right, and applying a mixture of analysis and imagination to the ones Taylor had inherited from her father. Kurt knew he’d think of this drawing whenever he thought of Taylor from now on. He wished Emma was alive to see it.

“Thank you, Jane,” he murmured to the empty apartment.

He and his wife had their problems, but she knew him right down to his core. She’d drawn this not because Taylor and Emma were important to her, but because they were important to him. He loved her for that.


	6. Too Far

For the first time in a couple of months, Jane actually looked forward to heading to work that Monday. When she got to her desk, there was a paper cup of coffee already sitting by her keyboard, and as she picked it up, Kurt came out of Reade’s office and approached.

“Morning,” Jane said, smiling up at him. “Did you happen to see who put this here?”

“The coffee fairy,” Kurt told her, leaning in to kiss her cheek.

“Hmmm… The coffee fairy is looking pretty hot today,” Jane teased.

He grinned and picked up an identical cup from his own desk. “C’mon. Reade said Patterson’s waiting.”

A few eyebrows were raised as SIOC’s staff noticed that Jane and Kurt were on friendly terms again—but in almost every case, the raised eyebrows were accompanied by smiles. Rich, in particular, let out a dramatic gasp when he noticed the less awkward atmosphere, but Patterson cleared her throat pointedly, and he closed his mouth, looking dejected.

During a lull in the case, as Jane attempted to make sense out of the stack of paper records on her desk, someone sidled up in her peripheral vision. She glanced over, then blinked up at Rich. “Hey. What’s up?”

“Nothing,” Rich said nonchalantly. “Just, y’know, taking a break.”

“Uh-huh.” Jane neatened a pile and put it aside, waiting for the inevitable.

“Could I…? Could I ask you something?” he asked.

“Is it about my marriage?” Jane didn’t look up from her work, but out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Kurt turning his head to watch them.

“Uhhh, maybe a little?”

“Then no. You can’t ask me something.” She was more amused than irritated, though with Rich, it was sometimes difficult to anticipate whether his behaviour would be endearing or annoying.

Rich sighed. “I know. I know you’re not the kiss and tell type. I just wanted to say that I’m really happy you guys are on the mend, and if you need a male perspective, I’m more than happy to— Hi, Kurt, how’s it going?”

“Good.” Kurt sat on the edge of Jane’s desk, a warning edge to his casual behaviour. “How about you, Rich?”

“Not too bad, thanks for asking. I kind of have this ache starting in my right shoulder, though. Anyone know a good massage therapist?”

It was hard not to admire Rich’s general attitude sometimes. Nothing really seemed to faze him. Jane shot her husband a quick, amused glance, letting him know without words that he didn’t need to go into protective mode.

“Sorry, can’t help you,” Kurt said, still friendly with that slight edge. “You should try asking someone else. Maybe someone in the lab.”

“You guys are no fun,” Rich said, putting on an air of dramatic rejection, and retreated.

Jane rolled her eyes. “You know he had to try it. It’s impressive enough he’s left me alone all this time. I don’t know if he’s tried anything with you.”

“No. He’s stayed out of our business this whole time, surprisingly enough. Makes me think Patterson’s got some dirt on him, something he’d rather the human resources department didn’t know about.” Kurt’s eyes remained on Rich until their friend had disappeared down one of the back hallways.

“Sounds about right.” Jane set aside the records and looked up at him. “You busy tonight? Want to grab a drink after work?”

Her heart skipped a beat as he gave her a small, almost shy smile, one that reminded her of how they used to interact back before they’d gotten together. “Sure. Where did you want to go? Crosstown?”

Jane shook her head, though the bar he’d named was one of their favourites. “I was thinking maybe Harvey’s.”

Kurt gave her a surprised look. “Sure. I don’t even remember the last time we stopped in there. Before we were married, right?”

Jane nodded, wondering if he’d guess the reason before they got there. “If we want to go anywhere, I guess we’d better get back to work on solving this thing.”

Her husband gave her a quick kiss on the top of her head. “Point taken. Let’s go see if that warrant came in yet.”

* * *

Harvey’s was a medium-sized bar the team used to frequent whenever Patterson bemoaned the familiar faces at the cop bars they’d usually gone to on Friday nights. “How am I supposed to find a date if everyone here is someone I’ve been working with all day?” she used to say. After the Borden incident, she’d stopped complaining about the cop bars, but by then, they’d all grown fond of the place and had continued visiting it.

It was probably the first time Kurt had been here since before they’d arrested Shepherd. Nothing much seemed to have changed over the last couple of years, and since it was Monday, it was quieter than usual. He glanced around nostalgically as he and Jane sat down with their drinks in a quiet corner. “This place is just the same.”

She smiled, following his gaze. “Yeah. Almost makes you miss the old days, right? Chasing down Sandstorm leads, worrying about Phase Two…”

Kurt grinned. “Yeah, as much as I don’t love dealing with Roman on his own, it’s so much better  than having Shepherd on the loose.”

Jane nodded emphatically, then took a sip of her drink. “Agreed.”

“So why did you want to come here, after all this time?” Knowing Jane, there had to be a reason. Kurt was curious to see where her mind was.

She gave him a slightly embarrassed smile. “I guess I was going for symbolic. This is where we were when I really started to have hope for us as a couple again, after everything that happened with finding out about Sandstorm, and who I really was. We came here after that case with the escape room and the polygraph, remember?”

As soon as she said it, he _did_ remember—the way he’d gotten slightly tipsy after that case, and with his guard still down after the way the polygraph had forced him to tell the truth, he’d told her that he’d never want to undo the time they’d spent together, no matter who’d orchestrated it or why.

“I don’t know how I forgot that.” He took her hand, shaking his head. “I guess what came afterward all happened in such a rush, and then that night got overshadowed in my head by us actually getting together.”

“I know. It makes sense you wouldn’t remember as clearly as I do.” With a quick shrug, she stared down at her drink. “But before that night, I thought you were over me. Or at least, I thought you’d given up on the idea of us being together. I could hardly believe it when you leaned in to kiss me.”

“What, like this?” Kurt leaned into her personal space, and she turned her face up to his with a soft smile.

“Yeah, a lot like this,” she whispered, her gaze drifting down to his lips, making his pulse quicken in anticipation.

Kurt kissed her, long and slow, the way he’d wanted to that night before they’d been interrupted.  Jane’s lips curved against his, and he drew back to find her smiling, her eyes still closed. “I should have kissed you that night anyway,” he told her. “Patterson and Tasha would have gotten the hint.”

“I wasn’t sure what would happen at the end of that night,” Jane confessed, picking up her drink again. “If you were going to try to kiss me again. But you didn’t.”

“Honestly?” Kurt examined the Scotch in his glass. “I wanted to. But I knew it was pretty likely Tasha was gonna be picked up by the NYPD that night, and I didn’t want to get distracted while she was undercover. Plus, I wasn’t happy about that op from the start, and I knew I couldn’t focus properly on you while it was bugging me. So I backed off. Temporarily.”

“Almost permanently,” she reminded him, with a playful nudge.

“Hey, you were the one who brought up moving to California. It wasn’t like I hadn’t kissed you less than twenty-four hours earlier. I figured that I’d made my move and you still wanted to go, so…”

Jane leaned against him with a sad smile. “I don’t miss the days when we were afraid to tell each other how we felt.”

“Me either.” He tilted up her chin with a gentle hand. “I love you.”

The look she gave him was filled with such affection that he didn’t even need to hear the words. “I love you, too, Kurt.”

A couple of drinks later, he was done trying to take things slow. “So when do I get to see where you’ve been living?”

Her eyebrows rose. “You want to see it? Really? It’s nothing special, not like our place.”

“Is that a no?” Kurt asked.

Jane shook her head. “No, I guess I’m just surprised you’d want to go there, that’s all. You want to get takeout again?”

Every excuse she had to avoid cooking, Jane took, even now. With an affectionate chuckle, he kissed her cheek. “Nah. We can stop by the store on the way and I’ll grab something I can cook for us. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure it’s vegan.”

“You’re amazing,” she told him. “I’ll have to figure out some way I can thank you later.”

He shut down his imagination before he could start making inappropriate suggestions in public. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”

* * *

A couple of hours later, after finishing off a better vegan lasagne than she’d ever been able to make on her own—she’d come to accept that Kurt, and most of the rest of the world, would always be better at cooking than she was—Jane was snuggled up with her husband on the couch. She’d apologised for her total lack of a cable subscription, explaining that she only had a TV at all because sometimes she and Avery watched DVDs together.

“I don’t care,” Kurt had said, brushing her hair back from her face. “I don’t need TV to entertain me, Jane. I just wanted to spend some time with you.”

Right now, that seemed to mean short bouts of conversation interspersed with kisses that grew more heated every time they began again, making her wonder if this night might end up with them tangled up together in her bed. It was too soon to hope for that, she knew, but she sensed his need warring with his caution, as though he wanted her, but wasn’t sure if it was too soon for that.

Jane didn’t want to push him past where he was comfortable, but she was also struggling to know what he expected from her.

 _Talk to each other. Don’t shut each other out._ Tasha’s advice came back to her, and she knew her friend had a point.

She laced her fingers through Kurt’s and looked up at him. “Is it too soon to ask you if you want to stay the night?”

He took a deep breath that shook a little, and when he met her eyes, the need in them sent a jolt of desire through her. “I’ve been asking myself that question, too.”

“No pressure,” she murmured. “I just wanted to check what you wanted.”

Kurt pulled her into his lap, kissing her hard, his fingers slipping up under her shirt to tease her nipple through her sports bra. Jane gave a soft cry, arching against his touch, and he broke off with a grin. “I missed that noise.”

“I missed the way you touch me,” she said, nuzzling his nose with hers.

“I don’t know if we’re moving too fast…but we could make out a little more and see what happens.”

Jane shifted in his lap until the hard ridge in his jeans was firmly pressed between her legs, cupping his face in her hands and smiling down at him. “That sounds like fun.”

When she kissed him, he wrapped his arms around her waist and thrust up against her. Jane moved with him, wishing more than anything that the clothing between them would disappear, and she could take him inside her, where she all of a sudden felt so empty.

“Kurt,” she whispered against his lips.

He murmured her name in return as they moved together, their slow grind simulating what they wanted to end up doing, while their lips met over and over. When she opened her eyes to see he was gazing at her, she smiled. “I want to taste you. Is that okay?”

Kurt kissed her again, emphatic enough to be an answer on its own. “More than okay.”

Jane gave him another quick kiss before slipping off his lap to kneel at his feet, reaching for his belt buckle. As she unfastened his pants with one hand, she rubbed his hard cock through his jeans with the other, watching him, wanting to see the pleasure on his face when she took him in her mouth.

Just as she got his zipper down, though, Kurt tensed and grabbed her wrist, stopping her. The need and love in his expression was gone, replaced by inexplicable anger and hurt. “Stop, Jane.”

A little stunned by the sudden change in his mood, Jane sat back on her heels and moved her hands to rest on his knees. “I… Kurt, what’s wrong?”

He zipped up his pants and buckled his belt quickly, then shook his head, closing his eyes. “I’m sorry. It’s just…still too soon, I guess.”

“Okay. It’s okay. I didn’t mean to push you—” She put her hands in her lap, uncertain whether or not she should touch him.

“You didn’t. I thought I could…” He sighed, then looked down at her, the hurt in his eyes making her heart ache. “I thought I could watch you go down on me without thinking of you doing the same thing to him, but I was wrong.”

Jane got up off her knees, knowing the position probably wasn’t helping him, and sat on the couch, keeping her distance in case he couldn’t bear to have her touch him at all. “I’m sorry,” she said softly, trying to control her voice so it didn’t break. “Is there any way I can…?”

She stalled, not knowing how to finish the sentence. Make it better? _How about not cheating?_ Rewind to the way things had been before they’d started making out? _That just sounds like I’m blaming him._

“No. I guess I just need more time.” He took her hand and squeezed it for a second, still hardly looking at her. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Kurt…” She bit back the protest that wanted to come, knowing she’d made this mess by damaging their sex life in the first place. “Okay. Have a good night.”

He nodded, picking up his wallet and keys. “You too.”

As the door closed behind him, Jane buried her head in her hands, wishing she could turn back the clock, knowing she had no one to blame but herself.

 


	7. Goodnight

“I’m sorry. I’m not doing this to be petty, or to hold it over you.” Kurt had his back to her, his hands on the kitchen counter and his shoulders high with tension.

Jane shrugged back into her shirt and swallowed the lump in her throat, waiting until she was sure her voice would be steady before saying, “I understand, Kurt. You don’t have to apologise.”

It had been a couple of weeks since their first disastrous attempt at intimacy, and though Kurt kept trying to push his boundaries, he still couldn’t get past the mental block of imagining Jane with Clem. Initially, it hadn’t seemed like too big a deal for either of them—as long as they loved each other and were rebuilding the rest of their relationship, they’d assumed the sex issue would resolve itself—but as time went on, it was becoming more and more of a strain.

Mainly because Jane knew Kurt was blaming himself.

He turned to face her, his frustration—sexual and otherwise—plain on his face. “I just want to get past this, and get on with our life together. I want to ask you to move back in here, fall asleep with you in our bed, finish up this Crawford and Roman thing, then go on a second honeymoon. But I just…”

As he shook his head, falling silent, Jane got up and joined him in the kitchen, stopping just out of arms’ reach. “I’m the one at fault here. Don’t put this on yourself”

“I’ve forgiven you in my mind, but emotionally I just can’t get past this, no matter how much I want to.”

Jane nodded, wishing there was something she could say.

Kurt spoke the words resonating through her own thoughts. “I’m scared this will end up breaking us.”

“Me too,” she whispered.

For a moment they just stood there in silence, united in pain and guilt. Then Kurt reached out, and Jane stepped forward to take his hand, grateful he was allowing her to touch him at all.

“Maybe we should stop trying to get back to normal for a while. Trying so hard to push past this is just hurting us more.”

“I know,” he said, not meeting her eyes.

“I think I fell in love with you before we’d even kissed. I don’t need sex to be happy with you.”

He let go of her hand then, and it only took a moment for Jane to make the leap of logic as to why.

“Are you scared I’ll go looking for it somewhere else? Even if the rest of our relationship is good?” That hurt, even though she knew she was the one responsible for the lack of trust between them.

“I want to say no. But…a little.” He sighed. “I don’t want there to be any part of our relationship where you aren’t getting what you need. Even if you think you’re okay without it.”

Jane leaned against the refrigerator, lost for words for long, awkward moments. “What do you want to do, Kurt?”

He took a breath, then appeared to bite down on whatever retort he’d been about to make. “I guess…I’m gonna have to have some faith in you. And stop trying to force things back to normal too fast.”

Jane nodded, relieved by his response. “That sounds like a plan.”

He hesitated, then closed the distance between them to enfold her in his arms. Jane leaned her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes. “I love you so much, Kurt.”

“I love you, too.” Kurt sighed. “And I miss you. It’s not that I don’t want you anymore—”

“I know that.” She chanced a tiny smile up at him. “I _feel_ that. And I promise the feeling is mutual.”

He took a shaky breath, obviously tempted to ask for more details, but then extricated himself from her arms and stepped back. “I think we should change the subject.”

“Okay.” She laughed under her breath and looked around them. “Want another beer?”

He leaned against the counter, obviously trying to distance himself. “Sure.”

Glad for something to do, Jane opened the refrigerator. When she looked up again, about to hand over a beer bottle, Kurt was watching her with a touch of melancholy on his face. She didn’t have to ask what he was thinking.

Once were back on the couch, he asked, “Do you want to stay over tonight? Just to sleep, I mean. I miss falling asleep next to you.”

Torn, Jane took his hand and squeezed it. “I would love that. But I can see how it might…get in the way of what we just decided to do.”

She’d expected him to be hurt or to get defensive. Instead, he just smiled and shrugged. “Not if we’re adults about it.”

“Challenge accepted.”

* * *

Jane slid under the covers beside him, and Kurt pushed aside the slight apprehension he felt about tonight. They’d both agreed they’d just be sleeping, and it wasn’t like they’d never gone a night in the same bed without sex before.

A brief image of Jane sleeping in Clem Hahn’s arms flashed into his mind, but he pushed it away forcefully. She’d already told him she’d spent that night— _afterwards_ —with insomnia, unable to rest easy with the knowledge of what she’d done, while Hahn had slept peacefully.

Kurt had always slept on the left side of the bed in relationships, though after Jane had gone on the run, he’d taken to sleeping on her side instead. The habit had returned after she’d found out about Berlin and left him. It felt odd to be sleeping back on the left side, but in the best possible way.

Jane turned on her side and smiled at him. “What?”

His mood felt lighter just at having her here, in their bed, and in their old life together. He wanted to tell her so, but what came out was, “I missed your toothpaste breath.”

It might not have been the intense romantic comment he could have made, but Jane blinked, then burst out laughing. It turned out to be the perfect tension-breaker, and she snuggled up to him, exhaling into his face before giving him an amused peck on the lips.

“You know, sometimes it amazes me how we got here,” she said, resting her head on his chest. “The first time I saw you walk into the interrogation room, I thought you looked so grim and closed off. I never would have guessed you’d be the kind of guy to say, ‘I missed your toothpaste breath’.”

Kurt stroked her hair absently, gazing thoughtfully up at the ceiling. “Back then, I never would have thought I’d say it either. To anyone, let alone someone I mentally classified as a…person of interest in a case.”

“You can say the word ‘victim’, you know. I mean, technically that doesn’t apply to me, since I was also the perpetrator. But we didn’t know that then.”

“No matter how you were involved, I had very clear boxes in my head. You were supposed to be work. A case to close, a puzzle to solve. But even before I walked back out of that room, you were already starting to break down where I thought I stood.”

Jane raised her head from his chest with a sceptical expression. “I didn’t have a clue what was happening that night. I couldn’t possibly have done anything.”

She really had no idea what a powerful effect she’d had on him, even after all this time?

“Jane. You touched me that night.” He meant it figuratively, but also literally. “When I asked you to try to remember me, just in case you knew of me in your old life… No one had ever looked at me the way you did then. You didn’t remember anything, but you made a connection just by trying to find one. When you reached out and touched me…” He trailed off.

“I knew I was making you uncomfortable, but you were the only lead I had to follow. I don’t know why touching you came so easily to me, though. I don’t think I would have done the same to Reade or Zapata, if they’d been in your place. Maybe subconsciously I knew Remi planned to connect with you.”

He shook his head, dismissing that idea. “It was simpler than that. Even though you were scared and I was exhausted, we just—”

“Clicked.” Jane smiled. “You really were my starting point.”

“And that’s why I don’t try to say anything romantic, and stick with comments about toothpaste breath. You came up with the ultimate romantic statement when we hardly even knew each other.” He closed his eyes, fighting the same wave of incredulity and love he always felt when he thought about that moment.

“You practically ran out of my safehouse that night,” she said, amused.

“That’s how you should have known you got to me.” He nuzzled her neck. “In more ways than one.”

Jane rolled onto her back, putting a little distance between them. There was desire in her eyes, but regret in her voice as she told him, “I think we should go to sleep, before this goes somewhere we agreed it wouldn’t.”

It was on the tip of his tongue to suggest that they try continuing the trip down memory lane regardless, but he knew she was right. The atmosphere was good now, but it had been the same earlier, before his traitorous imagination had ruined things again. There was no way to tell what would make the moment sour, and he didn’t want that to happen in their bed. Not tonight.

“Goodnight, Jane,” he said softly, shifting into his usual sleeping position, on his side, facing away from her.

Behind him, he heard Jane rolling onto her front, the way she always slept when they didn’t fall into a doze while spooned together. One of her arms brushed against his back, the only contact between them, familiar enough to make his heart expand.

“Goodnight,” she murmured.


	8. Mental Block

Kurt woke to the familiar warmth and scent of Jane in his arms, her back against his chest and her ass nestled against his morning wood. Everything was perfect.

He kissed the back of her neck, and she took a deep breath as she stirred into semi-consciousness, which became a yawn. “Morning,” she murmured, pulling his arm more securely around her and wriggling back against him.

Kurt groaned softly at the unintentional friction against his hard-on, rubbing against her before he could stop himself. With a sleepy laugh, she pushed back provocatively, letting him know she’d be open to more.

His mind was still mired in sleep, slow to function, and his body called the shots as he stroked his fingers over the front of her underwear.

Jane inhaled shakily and pushed her hips forward against his touch, then back against his cock. As she fell into a rhythm that his own hips quickly synchronised with, he worked his hand inside her underwear and revelled in her moan as he wet his fingers and moved them up to her clit.

“Mmmm…” She tried to turn her head to look back at him, only managing to expose a new section of her neck for him to kiss. “Want you.”

He wanted her too, so much that he couldn’t think. He somehow managed to work her panties down her thighs, and as Jane got them the rest of the way off her legs, he did the same to his boxer-briefs.

Jane’s breath caught as he positioned himself at her entrance, still spooned against her back. She hooked one of her feet back over his leg, giving him better access to sink into her tight heat. The blankets fell away as he began to take her slowly, gauging her response to him, adjusting his angle to hit just the right spot. His wife made a soft, pleading sound as he found it, and he allowed his urgency to take over, his own pleasure increasing with every sign that she was getting closer to losing control.

They rocked together with mounting desperation, Jane sighing his name and clutching at the pillow, Kurt putting his fingers back to work between her thighs, needing her to tip over the edge before he could follow. The sheer, primal satisfaction of her body shaking through a powerful orgasm made him groan, enjoying the rippling of her inner muscles around his cock.

“Now. Come now,” Jane ordered, digging her fingers into his hip, and he was powerless to do anything else, his body obeying as though he’d needed her command in order to release. His mind, too hazy with pleasure to process anything but the present moment, went completely blank as waves of white-hot ecstasy drowned him in sensation.

When he came back to himself, Jane was whispering how much she’d loved him, how much she’d missed him. And with those words—that she’d missed him—he remembered why they’d been apart, the last vestiges of sleep and the instinctive drive for sex finally fading.

He eased back from Jane, rolling onto his back, and she turned over to snuggle up to him, giving him a smile that should have warmed him.

 _Did she look at_ him _this way when they were done? Did she lean over to kiss him and then rest her head on his chest, closing her eyes while he held her?_

It took Jane less than five seconds to register his tension and silence, and the moment she looked up into his face again, her face fell into concern and dismay, and she rose up on one elbow to give him a little space.

“Oh, Kurt, I’m sorry… If I’d known your heart wasn’t in this, I never would have—”

He sat up against the headboard, giving a small shake of his head. “It’s not that. I mean, I wasn’t thinking about it until…after.”

Relief flashed across her face, but didn’t last long. “I’m so sorry. I should have stopped it when we started, I just thought that maybe this time it would be different, and—”

Kurt sighed. “It’s not your fault. I started it. After I said I wouldn’t.”

Jane sat up too, pushing the strap of her vest top back into place distractedly. “The problem isn’t that we had sex, Kurt. The sex was more than welcome.”

“For me, too,” he admitted, though he couldn’t look at her.

“Then what’s going through your head?” she asked softly. “Maybe I can help.”

He hesitated, then reminded himself that shutting her out would only cause more problems. “I started wondering what it was like for him, getting to hold you afterwards. Knowing that you’d chosen to be with him, that he’d satisfied you—”

Jane shook her head slowly. “He got me off. Barely. But he didn’t satisfy me. He only made me miss you more—”

Her admission that she’d orgasmed with Hahn sent a spike of fresh hurt through him. “Just…don’t,” he said, unable to control the harsh note in his voice.

Jane fell silent, her eyes downcast. He could already tell she was blaming herself, but this was his fault. He hadn’t been ready for this much intimacy, but he’d let his body overrule his brain and now he and his wife were both suffering.

“I think we were right last night. Keeping sex out of the equation is…probably best, for now.”

Jane nodded. “Do you want me to go?”

More than anything, he wanted her to stay, but even as he longed to draw her into his arms, he knew he’d just be leaving the door cracked open to making even more mistakes.

“I don’t want you to leave, but I think it would be better if you did.”

“Okay.” Her guard up now, Jane reached under the blankets for her underwear and pulled it on, then got out of bed.

As she moved around the room, locating the clothing she’d taken off last night, Kurt rubbed his eyes wearily and pulled on his own underwear. Once she was ready to leave, he got out of bed and saw her to the door.

“I was going to draw your weekly sketch before I left, but now I guess…” Jane shrugged sadly, and he realised it was Saturday morning, and she would have to come back later if she wanted him to get the sketch today, like all the others.

“You can give it to me on Monday,” he said, and the disappointment in her expression grew deeper at the realisation that he didn’t want to see her before they both had to work again.

“Okay. I hope the rest of your weekend is…better than now.” She opened the door, then gave him a light touch on his bare arm before stepping backward. “I love you. Bye.”

“Bye.” He wanted to pull her close, tell her again how sorry he was, how much he’d enjoyed their night and morning together before he’d ruined it. But his body refused to obey his commands. He could only close the door behind her and lean against it with a sigh, wishing like hell that he could just excise the jealous, insecure part of himself and leave it behind.

* * *

“Goddamn it, Rich, could you stop talking about sex for five seconds?”

The words emerged louder and more infuriated than he’d meant, and Kurt bit back a curse as Rich froze, the cogs in his head turning until he reached a conclusion and—

“That was spoken an awful lot like you’re a man who hasn’t gotten any for quite some time, Agent Weller.”

They were mercifully alone in the conference room, sifting through boxes and boxes of old paper records dropped off by NYPD. Another couple of weeks had passed since Jane had stayed over, and their relationship was becoming more strained with each day that passed. Even so, Kurt didn’t want to have this conversation—not with Rich Dotcom, the King of Inappropriate Comments.

“I thought you and Jane still had a vibe of something not quite right, even though you’re kind of back together now. What is it, performance problems? Because they have a little blue pill for that, it’s really not a big deal in the twenty-first century—”

Unable to let that misconception stand, Kurt scowled over at Rich. “It’s _not_ performance problems, okay?”

“But it _is_ a sex issue? I knew it.” Rich looked as though he’d won the lottery, and it took all of Kurt’s patience to continue sorting records, placing them into the appropriate piles instead of shoving them down Rich’s throat.

“Is it something kinky that one of you wants to do and the other doesn’t? Because you know, if you just try it one time, you might be surprised how much you like it. There was this time Boston wanted to—”

“Just stop, please.” Kurt groaned and leaned over the table. With the way Rich’s imagination worked, he was going to come to some wild and outlandish conclusion that he refused to believe wasn’t the case, unless Kurt derailed the crazy train with the truth.

Resigned to it, he sat down with a sigh. “This does _not_ leave this room, understand?”

Rich pulled up a chair close by and sat down as well, leaning forward earnestly. “My lips are sealed. As are my typing fingers.”

 _Am I really going to tell Rich this?_ Kurt was surprised to realise that he wanted to. If anyone could shed a little light on his mental block, Rich was a likely candidate. “Jane cheated on me, back in Europe.”

Rich’s face fell. “ _No._ But…but…you’re the perfect couple! You’re Kurt and Jane, FBI, crime-fighting, husband and wife team!”

“No such thing as a perfect couple, Rich.” Wearily, Kurt tried to massage pain out of his neck.

“Who is he? I will murder him with my bare hands—”

Unexpectedly touched by Rich’s concern, Kurt shook his head. “Not important. She’s promised she won’t ever be seeing him again. And that kind of thing? It takes two, so if you want to murder him, you’d have to go after Jane, too.”

“I can’t believe Jane would do something like this.” Rich shook his head slowly. “She loves you. She’s always loved you. That’s blatantly obvious. I’ve been telling you that from the start, remember? Even before you admitted it to yourself, I knew that.”

“Yeah, I know.” Kurt couldn’t help but smile a little at the memory of Rich adamantly insisting that they belonged together. “But she didn’t think she could come home again. The bounty hunters would have gone after me and Bethany if she had. So when the guy made a pass at her, she took him up on it. Regretted it afterwards.”

“Of course she regrets it.” Rich rolled his eyes. “You’re Kurt Weller. The only man for her, just like I’ve always said. But being cheated on, it hurts. Trust me, I know. You need some time to forgive and forget, I get it.”

“I’ve already forgiven her. It’s just the forgetting that’s the hard part,” Kurt confessed.

Rich frowned, stroking his beard thoughtfully. “That’s where the lack of sex comes in? You’re in comparison hell, wondering whose is bigger, whose technique is better?”

Kurt sighed. “Not exactly, but…you’re in the ballpark. I think of her with him, and then I have to get some distance. It’s like a mental block.”

“A mental cock-block, if you will.” Rich grinned, but at Kurt’s scowl, returned to seriousness. “I’m sorry. I know this is a big deal. I can tell you and Jane are struggling.”

“I need to get over this. I know why she did it. I know the circumstances were…impossible. I’m pretty sure she won’t do it again. But I can’t move past this, and it’s hurting us both.”

“Forgive _me_ for saying it, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve forgiven _her_.”

Kurt looked up, ready to argue, but Rich shook his head, silencing him with a hand over his own heart. “I mean, in here.”

Frustrated, Kurt got up and picked up the inventory sheet, needing to keep busy. “I can change how I think about it, but I can’t change how I feel, Rich. It’s gonna hurt for a long time.”

“True. True. And I can’t just tell you to get over it. But when I was cheated on, it took him giving up on reconciliation for me to realise it wasn’t an issue anymore. And by then, it was too late. I couldn’t persuade him to come back.” Rich shrugged sadly. “Are you trying to punish her, or both of you, or is it something else, some deep-rooted childhood trauma coming to the surface?”

“I don’t know.” Helplessly, Kurt swallowed the lump in his throat. _God, don’t let me cry in front of Rich. He will_ never _let me live it down._

“I’m gonna go make some coffee,” Rich said, and touched Kurt’s shoulder for an instant before moving away. “You want some?”

Honestly surprised by the compassion and empathy Rich was showing him, Kurt took a deep breath to pull himself together. “Yeah, that’d be good.”

“Back in a few.” Rich headed for the door.

“Rich?” Kurt added, forcing himself to look up from the paperwork.

Rich hesitated, his hand on the glass and a questioning look on his face.

“Thanks.”

With a subdued smile, Rich left the conference room.


	9. Unexpected Events

“Janiecakes, I need a word with you.”

Jane sighed and replaced the mug she’d just rinsed out back in the cupboard. “Okay, Rich­—one: never call me Janiecakes again. And two: can it wait until tomorrow? I’m attempting to cook for Avery tonight, and I have a feeling it’ll take me a couple of failures to come up with something that tastes even halfway decent.”

Rich seemed uncharacteristically serious as he shut the door to SIOC’s kitchenette area behind him. “Kurt told me you cheated.”

Jane froze in the middle of drying her hands on a dish towel, fighting a wave of hurt. Sure, she’d told Patterson and Zapata, and Kurt had told Reade, but that had been in the aftermath of Kurt refusing to take her back, when they’d both been devastated and in need of support. It had been months now, and they were back together, though still having problems. Why had Kurt spilled the beans to Rich now, and what had he hoped to gain from it?

“Okay,” she said guardedly. “That’s something I would have preferred not to have anyone else know.”

“Don’t take it out on Kurt. He only told me what was bugging him after I insinuated he might be…well, to be blunt, having trouble getting it up.”

Jane leaned against the counter with a groan. “Please, Rich, don’t antagonise him. He’s not in a good place right now.”

“And whose fault is that?” Rich shot back. “Really, Jane? You have the most attractive, considerate, ass-kicking husband anyone could wish for. If he were single, and the least bit interested, I’d snap him up so fast, you’d only see a blur before the orgasmic moaning started.”

“Did you just come in here to lecture me, Rich?” Jane asked wearily, battling a fresh spike of guilt. “Kurt might be comfortable discussing our marriage with you, but I’m not.”

“Oh, I didn’t corner you to talk about your incredibly bad life choices,” Rich said. “Though they are _incredibly_ bad. I’m here to talk sex strategy.”

Had she thought this conversation could get any more unwelcome? She’d been wrong. “You’ve been trying to butt into my sex life with Kurt since before we even had one, and we’ve both told you to stop. Why would this time be any different?”

“Because Kurt told me about his mental block when you guys get hot and heavy, and it’s extremely obvious that this little problem is dragging your whole marriage into a flatline. You need to think outside the box to get past this. You need a sex counsellor.”

“And that would be you?” As much as Jane hated to admit it, Rich had a point. Not about the ‘sex counsellor’ part, but their sexual issues were drastically affecting the marriage they were trying so desperately to save. She’d do anything to move them past this—even if it involved talking about sex with Rich.

“I mean, I’m not a qualified sex counsellor, but I’ve had a lot of sex, with a lot of different people, in a lot of different ways, so…” Rich sat down at the small table in the middle of the room and clasped his hands in front of him. “Kurt said he thinks of you with the other guy and that’s where the problem is, right?”

“Right.” Jane still wasn’t comfortable with this conversation, but Rich had always seemed to be tuned in to her wavelength with Kurt, as strange as that was. She could do worse than talk about this with her foe-turned-friend, assuming he could keep his mouth shut. “Listen, Rich, I need to know that this isn’t gonna be all over the building by this time tomorrow.”

“Like I told Kurt earlier, my lips and typing fingers are sealed. Just tell me if there’s any particular moments that he keeps having to get some distance from you. I’m assuming first base is fine. What about second?”

Jane sighed and gave serious consideration to the question, recalling all the times Kurt had been too hurt to continue, and hadretreated from her mentally and physically. “It’s usually when he looks at me. I think he sees me about to do…whatever, and he imagines me doing it to—” She stopped herself from naming Clem. “—the other guy.”

“That makes sense. Guys tend to be more visual, they like to watch what their partner is doing. There’s this one guy I slept with, he literally couldn’t get off unless he could watch my—”

“Rich? Stop.”

Rich rolled his eyes. “You can’t be as prudish as you seem to be in all the conversations we’ve had about sex. Please tell me there’s more to your sex life than a scheduled weekly half-hour in the missionary position. You don’t even have to go into specifics—just give me some hope for you, here.”

Remembering some of the hours-long, breathtaking, impromptu sex she and Kurt had enjoyed, Jane bit back a smile. “You really don’t have to worry, Rich.” Then her amusement faded. “Assuming we get past this, I mean.”

Rich shook his head. “It should tell you something that I’m not trying to press you for details on that right now. I really do just want you guys to heal and move on from this. Even if you won’t let me have that threesome.”

“Kurt gets caught up in what I did when he looks at me. That’s really all I can think to tell you. It’s not a specific thing I do or he does, it’s not when we get past a certain set point in foreplay… We’ve tried different things trying to work past this, and the only time it worked was just after he woke up, when he was still half asleep. And then when we were done, he looked at me and his mind went straight back to…what I did.”

“Hmm…” Rich seemed to be filing everything away in his mind—hopefully not for recollection during a personal moment later. Jane cringed just thinking about it.

“You better have a suggestion for me, because I did _not_ want to tell you about this,” she said, a little sharply.

“I have a suggestion. Relax.” Rich grinned. “Actually, I have a lot of suggestions, if you’re open to them, but only one specific one that might help in this case. But first, something I was thinking of suggesting anyway. If you have any virginities left, you could consider offering them up to Kurt. You know, ‘this is something I’ve never done with anyone else; I want to do it with you’. That kind of idea. So if you have any holes left unplundered…”

As he began to elaborate on a wild series of kinky events, Jane regretted even agreeing to listen to him—until she threatened to drown him in the kitchen sink, and he actually told her what he had in mind for her to try with Kurt.

Then she began to think things might work out, after all.

* * *

Kurt had just given up on the book he’d been staring at—but not reading—for the past hour, when his cell phone vibrated a text alert from the coffee table. Smiling a little as he noticed Jane’s name on the screen, he picked up the phone.

_I had an interesting conversation with Rich earlier…_

He sighed, mentally kicking himself. He’d meant to warn Jane that Rich now knew about her indiscretion and their intimacy problems, but then they’d come across an important lead that had sent him in one direction and Jane in the other. By the time things calmed down and he’d gone in search of her, she’d already headed off to prepare for her dinner date with Avery.

 _Sorry_ , he texted back. _Meant to warn you earlier, but things got busy. How pissed at me are you, exactly?_

She replied quickly. _Actually, not very. He was weirdly reassuring. And wildly inappropriate, but that was no shock._

Kurt relaxed a little. _I know what you mean,_ he replied. _He really does actually care about us. Never would have thought it when we first went undercover._

Jane’s response included an eye-rolling emoji. _On the one hand, yes. On the other, he won’t ever get a threesome with us if we break up, so don’t make him out to be selfless…_

Kurt began to text emphatically that he wouldn’t be getting a threesome with them under any circumstances, but was interrupted by a phone call. Assuming it was Jane at first, he grinned, but then his gut instinct that something was wrong kicked in.

The caller ID read ‘Sarah’, but his sister usually called on weekends, if she called at all.

He hit the answer button quickly. “Sarah? You okay?”

“Uncle Kurt, it’s me.”

“Sawyer, what’s up? Why are you calling on your mom’s phone, bud?” Kurt sat forward, tensely waiting for an answer.

“Mine’s dead and I don’t have a charger,” Sawyer said, his voice stressed and a little slurred. “Mom and I had a car accident. I woke up but she’s still asleep. They had to do some surgery on her.”

Alarmed, Kurt sprang to his feet. “Are you okay? Is anyone with you? Did they say anything about your mom’s condition?”

“My head and neck kinda hurt, and my chest has a big bruise from the seatbelt, but I think I’m okay. Uh…I called Mom’s boyfriend, Mark. He’s on his way. I don’t know him very well, but he seems nice. And I called my friend Jaden. He’s coming over with his mom, too.”

Knowing Sarah never introduced her son to her boyfriends unless she was a hundred percent sure the relationship was going to last a while, and that the guy was solid, Kurt relaxed slightly. “Okay, buddy. You tell the nurses if you start to feel worse, okay? And can you put the nurse at the desk on the phone with me? I want to get an update on your mom.”

At the end of the phone call, after reassuring Sawyer that his mom wouldn’t be getting any worse, and that he’d be flying out to see him as soon as he could, Kurt made himself stop pacing and sat down. He was about to call up the browser on his phone to book a flight when he noticed another text from Jane.

_You okay? You went quiet._

Electing to use his laptop to book a flight instead, he quickly called Jane. “Hey. Sorry about that. Just got some bad news from Portland.”

He heard Jane suck in a concerned breath. “Oh, god… Is it Sarah or Sawyer?”

“Both. They were in a car accident. Sarah’s still under after surgery, they think she’ll be fine, but I want to head out there and check on them.”

“I’ll come with you,” Jane offered immediately.

He was already browsing through the flight list, looking for the soonest he could make. “No, you should stay here.”

He read Jane’s distress in her silence, and before she could formulate a protest, he added, “It’s not that I don’t want you around, but one of us leaving New York isn’t too bad. If Roman notices us both going, he’s gonna wonder why, and I do _not_ want him looking too hard at my sister or nephew. Not knowing what he’s capable of.” _What he did to Emma Shaw._

Jane’s voice shook a little. “What if he forced them off the road to get you out of New York, to separate us?”

The thought had fleetingly crossed his mind. “Sawyer didn’t say anything about an aggressive driver, but I’ll check into it when I get there, keep you posted.”

“If this was him, I swear to god, I’ll…”

“Not if I get there first.” He finished entering his card details into the site, tapping his fingers against the edge of the laptop as he waited for the verification. “Just carry on as normal, okay? We need to keep moving towards Crawford.”

“We’ll handle it, don’t worry.” Jane sighed. “I just want to be there for you.”

“I know. Thank you.” He smiled a little, despite the situation. “I should go pack if I’m gonna make my flight. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” she said, her voice heartfelt. “Update me when you can, okay?”

“Will do. Bye.”

Five minutes later, his go bag slung over his shoulder, Kurt was heading for the apartment door, bound for JFK.


	10. Checking In

“You really didn’t have to come all the way out here,” Sarah said, her voice a little slurred from the pain meds. Her smile was as bright as ever, though. “I’m so embarrassed.”

“What kind of brother would I be if I’d stayed in New York? You were unconscious, Sawyer called me… Plus when he mentioned your new boyfriend was gonna be around, I knew I had to make sure he was suitable.”

Sarah snorted. “Name one guy I’ve dated that you’ve ever approved of. Even a member of your own FBI team, who went on to become the Assistant Director after you, didn’t make the cut.”

Letting the remark about Reade slide—by the time Kurt had found out the reason behind his sister’s broken heart, Sarah had already moved on, and at Reade’s request, he hadn’t told her the truth—Kurt grinned and settled back in his chair. “It’s a big brother’s job to judge every guy his little sister dates.”

“And it’s a little sister’s job to not give a rat’s ass what her big brother thinks.” Sarah rolled her eyes. “I love Mark. He’s funny, he stops me from overthinking things, and he’s good with Sawyer. _And_ he cooks.”

Kurt had to admit that he hadn’t noticed any red flags, and it was a relief to see Sarah happy, if a little banged up. He planned to fly home tomorrow, now that he’d been able to check on his family with his own eyes. Before he went, though, he wanted to make absolutely sure that Roman hadn’t been involved in the crash, which would involve coordinating with the local police department for CCTV footage.

Not that he planned to tell Sarah that. As far as she was concerned, he was just giving it twenty-four hours to make certain neither she nor Sawyer had any unforeseen complications after the crash and surgery.

“So how’s Jane?” Sarah asked. “I got the sense things weren’t great when I talked to you last month.”

Kurt stretched his arms over his head, sighing. “She wanted to come out here, but the case we’re working is pretty big, and we couldn’t both get the time off.”

“That’s not what I asked.” Sarah frowned. “Are you guys having issues? Now that she’s home and the bounty’s off her head, I thought you two would be over the moon.”

Resigned to talking about it—at least in generalities—Kurt shrugged. “We both were keeping some secrets about the time we spent apart. But then it all came out anyway, and now we’re trying to figure out how to rebuild.”

“Wanna talk about it?” His sister reached over and touched his arm reassuringly, then winced and got more comfortable in the hospital bed.

“Rather not. It’s more complicated than your head injury could handle, anyway,” he teased.

It had been hard enough getting Sarah to forgive Jane—she’d seen her as someone who wasn’t actually Taylor Shaw, but whose arrival had torn open all of their family’s wounds. Kurt had left Jane’s terrorist history out of things—it was classified information, whether or not he’d wanted to tell his sister about it—and had told Sarah only that his wife-to-be didn’t remember much about her past, and that she’d made use of her Special Ops training to help them take down the terrorists who’d wanted them to believe she was Taylor.

After he and Jane had been married, Sarah had finally forgiven her, seeing how happy they were together, despite her own misgivings. Kurt didn’t want to complicate her relationship with his wife by telling her Jane had been unfaithful. And how was he supposed to explain the Berlin situation without getting into who Roman was and why he’d set Kurt up?

“I’m sorry you came out here while your marriage is in a bad place. You should fly home now, tell Jane you love her, do all the things I’m in denial that you’ve ever actually done, because you’re my brother. Forgive each other for everything you’ve done to hurt each other, and go back to being sickeningly in love. ‘Cause tomorrow, who knows what could happen?”

Kurt had learned during Jane’s long absence to limit his thoughts on what tomorrow might bring. Maybe he’d pushed them out of his head a little too hard. At his sister’s words, he imagined Jane unconscious in a hospital bed, injured during a case while they were still living in separate apartments, uncertain of their future.

It was more than he could bear to think about.

Kurt stood up. “I’ll get Sawyer home and taken care of. Tomorrow I’ll bring him by to check on you before I go home, okay?”

“Thanks, Kurt.” Sarah smiled, though she was becoming more visibly in pain by the second. “It’s good to see you, even if it’s because I got hit by a truck.”

“That a hint that I should come visit more often?” he teased.

“Yeah. Bring Jane. And stop by Colorado on the way to pick up my adorable little niece. How is she, by the way?”

Kurt shook his head, smiling so Sarah knew it wasn’t because there was bad news. “I’ll tell you tomorrow. You look like you need morphine and sleep.”

“You’d look like crap too, if you were me.” Sarah waved him off, but he kissed the top of her head anyway. “Go. I think Sawyer’s decided he’s too old for Uno Attack these days, but he’ll probably try to rope you into something on the PS4 or whatever.”

Knowing he was in for another round of teasing when his aim with a digital gun was nowhere near as accurate as his actual firearm proficiency, Kurt left in search of his nephew.

* * *

Jane had been anxiously waiting for Kurt to call with an update, and sighed with relief when her cell phone rang.

“That Kurt?” Avery asked curiously, her mouth half full of vegan burger.

“Yeah. Sorry, I should probably—”

Avery rolled her eyes and made shooing motions, swallowing her mouthful. “And adults call teenagers bad.”

Amused, Jane headed into her temporary apartment’s tiny bedroom and hit ‘answer’. “Hey. How are they?”

“All things considered, not in bad shape.” Kurt’s voice filled her heart with warmth. It seemed strange to her that not so long ago, all she’d felt when she heard him speak was a numbed, distant despair at the knowledge that she’d never meet her only child.

Now that only child was stuffing her face in the living room, it was impossible to imagine that blame and desolation she’d felt returning. She missed her husband dearly, but even now, with their marriage still on the mend and hundreds of physical miles between them, she felt her spirits lift as he filled her in on the situation there.

“And Roman?” she asked. “Any sign he was behind the crash?”

“Nope. A truck driver fell asleep at the wheel. Sarah’s car just happened to be the one in the way when the road turned and he didn’t.”

Jane exhaled hard. She hadn’t realised just how worried she’d been about the possibility that Roman had orchestrated the whole thing. “I’m so glad.”

“You sound more stressed than I was. Everything okay?”

Jane sat on the edge of the bed, staring at her reflection in the vanity mirror. “Yeah, I, um…” _Just get it over with._ “I think I might be undercover when you get back. It could take a couple of days.”

She could imagine him sitting forward, every speck of attention focused on her words. “Did Patterson crack a new tattoo? What’s the undercover assignment?”

“Would you listen if I said you really would be happier not knowing?” Jane asked, though she could already guess the answer.

“Now you _have_ to tell me.”

“I figured.” She sighed. “It’s to do with trafficking kids. From newborns right up to teenagers. The links to HCI Global are only very distant, but everything helps us build a case, I guess. There’s everything from illegal adoptions to…things I’d rather not think about.”

“Shit.” Kurt’s voice was heavy, sombre, and she knew he was thinking not only about Taylor, but about his own daughter.

“Yeah.” She didn’t say ‘I told you so’. There was no point.

“Anyone going undercover with you?”

She closed her eyes, readying herself for the avalanche. “No. Just me. I’ll have a discreet tracker and a bug in my clothing that records audio, but no comms.” And she might have to ditch what she did have at the first sign that she’d be swept for bugs, but she wasn’t going to mention that.

“That is _way_ too risky. Jane—”

“I know. But it’s time-sensitive, and I’ve done risky before. I know what I’m doing and if I can save even a few of these kids…”

He was silent, clearly trying to think of another way. But as she’d thought, he didn’t ask her not to go undercover—not with kids’ futures on the line.

“You really can’t take someone else in for backup?”

“Not this time. I’m going in posing as someone we just caught; a maternity ward nurse who was planning on stealing a whole shift’s worth of babies. She’s already been told to come alone.”

As usual, her husband was right on her wavelength. “This is pretty close to home for you, Jane.”

“It wasn’t a maternity nurse who stole Avery, but…yeah. It’s bringing up some stuff.” She met her reflection’s eyes determinedly. “But that’s why I have to shut this ring down. All those parents who’d never see their kids again—I just can’t stand to think about it.”

“Me either.” He hesitated, then told her, “I know I don’t need to tell you to be careful, but I’m going to anyway. I can’t lose you, Jane.”

“I love you, too,” she said, unable to stop herself from smiling.

“Good. ‘Cause I wanted to ask you to move back into our place by the time I got back, but if you’re gonna be undercover, I guess it’ll have to be a little later.”

“Really?” She looked around the rental apartment’s bedroom, so plain and functional compared to their cosy bedroom back home. “But what about—”

“Even if one of us sleeps on the couch for a while, we can work something out. I think we’ve been living apart long enough.” His voice was steady, without a trace of doubt.

Maybe the extra distance was making him rethink things, or maybe it was seeing Sarah in the hospital, but whatever it was, Jane welcomed the change in him.

“We can talk about it some more when I come back from this assignment,” she promised. “And we should probably talk about the bedroom advice I got from Rich yesterday, too.”

“Yeah? Should I be intrigued, or terrified?” His voice was amused.

“I was planning to keep the terrifying stuff buried at the back of my memory, maybe take a little more ZIP to be sure of forgetting it. Especially the stuff involving latex masks.” She couldn’t help but shudder at the thought.

“I’m starting to regret talking to him about this.”

“It’s not all bad. Trust me.” Thinking about the suggestions she _could_ use, Jane got up and searched her closet for possible items that might help.

“I do. Trust you, I mean. It might not always seem like it, but—”

“I know. I—”

A knock on her bedroom door interrupted her. “Heads up—I’m starting dessert without you,” Avery called.

“Be right there,” Jane told her, and returned her attention to the phone. “Sorry. Avery’s gonna eat all the vegan brownies if I don’t go now.”

Kurt laughed. “Go get your sugar rush. And be careful tomorrow, okay?”

After exchanging I-love-yous, they ended the call, and Jane returned to the living room to find a quarter of the brownies already gone.

“Everything all right?” Avery asked, between mouthfuls.

Grabbing a couple of brownies for herself, Jane nodded. “Kurt’s sister and nephew are doing okay. Did I mention I’m going undercover tomorrow? I might be out of touch for a few days.”

“This to do with Crawford?” her daughter said, suddenly tense.

“Only very marginally. It all adds to the case on him, though. I’m sorry, I know you want him brought down now, but cases like this take—”

“Time. Yeah. I know.” Avery sighed. “I started teaching one of the agents from my detail German the other day. That’s how bored I am.”

“Think you might want to go into teaching after college?”

Successfully diverting the conversation away from Crawford, Jane got the feeling that if they didn’t find a promising lead to take him down soon, Avery would either implode or slip her detail to find her own leads—and if that happened, she might run into Roman again.

Jane filed away the problem to discuss with Kurt—and Avery—when this case was over. First, she had a child-trafficking ring to take down.


	11. Undercover Fears

“You sure you want to do this, Jane? Under the circumstances—I mean, with what you went through with Avery—if you’d rather Tasha or Patterson went…” Reade frowned at her, concerned.

“I’ll be fine, Reade. Thanks.” Jane finished applying thick makeup to her bird tattoo, as Zapata obscured the oil derricks on the back of her neck. “How do I look? Think I’ll pass for Penny Yates?”

“As long as they’ve never seen Yates before, I think you’re good.” Zapata handed over the sponge wedge she’d been using with a quick smile. “I’m not a huge fan of you as a blonde, though.”

Jane pulled a face at her in the locker room mirror. “Me either. I’m dying this straight back when this op is over.”

“You should try a different colour. Dark, but different. Like really dark, brownish red, or blue-black,” Tasha suggested.

“Maybe. That would mean I’d have to go shopping for dye, though. I’ve already got basic black in my bathroom cabinet.” Jane tugged on her frumpy, patterned blouse, sighing. “This looks like something Patterson used to wear before you gave her a fashion intervention.”

Tasha snickered, while Reade gestured towards the door. “Speaking of Patterson, she’s gonna drive you to a few blocks away from the rendezvous point. She’s got your bug and whatever all ready to go. Just don’t die on us, Jane. God knows it’d be hard enough explaining that to Kurt, let alone Avery.”

After promising to be careful, Jane went in search of Patterson in the parking garage. Her friend grinned as she put the car into gear. “That outfit is so unflattering. And I think I used to own that blouse.”

Jane grinned. “It’s based on stuff we took from Yates’ own closet. Anything out of place?”

Patterson braked at the corner, waiting to turn into traffic, then gave her a quick once-over. “Wedding ring.”

“Oh. Shit.” With a pang of regret, Jane switched her ring from her left hand to her right—Yates was a divorcée. “Thanks for the catch.”

“We could have done this without you, you know. The undercover operation, I mean.”

“I know. But Zapata isn’t FBI and—no offence—you’re better in the lab.”

“None taken. I do kick ass in the lab.” Patterson smiled a little. “You told Kurt you’re going undercover, right? When you spoke to him last night?”

Jane nodded. “Yeah. He…wasn’t wild about me going in without backup.”

“None of us are,” Patterson said seriously. “If not for the kids, I’d suggest going in with a full SWAT team at your back, just use force. These guys are heavily armed and extremely paranoid, Jane.”

“Just… If I go dark, and I probably will, give me room to improvise. Forty-eight hours, that’s all I’m asking. Yates said the shipments of kids go out on alternate Fridays, right? It’s Tuesday today, and they want me to observe their operations for a few days _this_ week so they can bring Yates in after she burns her bridges at the hospital she works at. Which is _next_ week.”

“Who would _do_ something like that?” Patterson wondered aloud. “Sedate and steal a bunch of newborn babies so they can be sold on the adoption black market?”

Jane shook her head. “Not anyone who’s ever had their own, that’s for sure.” She sighed. “Anyway, if I can get enough intel on where they get the kids, and where they send them, by Thursday noon, that’s enough time to raid the place before we lose the kids they’ve gathered up for this shipment.”

“And if we don’t hear from you by Thursday noon?” Patterson asked softly.

“Assume I can’t get away, and tell SWAT that child hostages are likely.” Jane buried her face in her hands. “God, I can’t believe I just said that.”

“Just do what you can, Jane.” Patterson touched her shoulder briefly. “You’re just one person.”

Wishing she could shake her nerves, Jane nodded. “Yeah, I know. Just…keep Kurt on a leash for as long as you can? Give me room to work.”

Patterson groaned. “That’s gonna be tough, but I will do my best.”

 _I’m sorry, Kurt. I need to do this, for all the parents and kids involved in this thing._ Jane rubbed the spot where her wedding ring usually sat, then the opposite finger, where it now rested. _Please understand._

* * *

Kurt sent a text to Jane as soon as he landed at JFK, not really expecting an answer, but needing something to do with his hands while he waited for the rows before him to disembark the plane. _God, I hope she’s safe._

He followed it with a text to Patterson. _How’s the undercover mission going?_

By the time he was off the plane, his worst fears had been confirmed. _She went dark a few hours ago. Don’t freak out. We knew this was likely._

Kurt tucked his phone back into his pocket halfway through a harshly worded message to Reade, took a shaky breath to calm himself, then concentrated on getting clear of the airport. As the taxi joined hundreds of other cars bound for Brooklyn, he leaned his head back against the seat and closed his eyes.

 _Would she have gone on this mission if we were in a better place?_ Part of him instantly dismissed the notion—trying to stop Jane from helping people was always a futile effort, no matter how good their relationship was. But the fear for her safety didn’t feel all that different from the fear of losing her because of their marital issues. He still found it difficult to breathe when he remembered what being without her was like.

When he got home, tired and stressed, he noticed a familiar brand of envelope on the coffee table, addressed to him. Dropping his luggage on the floor, he picked up Jane’s message and opened it.

> _Kurt,_
> 
> _I’m sorry I couldn’t be here to meet you when you got home. Whatever I’m doing right now, with these awful people, just know that I miss you. I’ll come back to you as soon as I can, and I’m so glad Sarah and Sawyer are okay._
> 
> _Could you look in on Avery for me tomorrow? She’s trying to play it cool, but I can tell she’s worried. She could do with some reassurance from someone who’s not me, I think._
> 
> _I’ll be telling Patterson to tell you this, but here it is from me, too: please, don’t come rushing in if I go dark. I need time to earn their trust and get enough evidence to blow this thing out of the water. The second I have what I need, I’ll get out of there, I swear._
> 
> _I know this will be hard for you, and that you’ll be scared for me. I wish I could have spared you that. But I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t do this. For all the Averys and Bethanys and Taylor Shaws who are at risk, I have to try._
> 
> _I love you so much, no matter what._
> 
> _Jane_

Kurt switched to the second page, a lump growing in his throat as he looked down at her sketch. In it, he was lifting Bethany high in the air, grinning as she clutched at him with her mouth open in a silent squeal. Being hoisted up so high was one of his daughter’s favourite things, though as she grew older it was becoming more difficult to lift her. Jane had captured Bethany’s ecstatic expression perfectly, and his own sketched face was full of amusement and love.

Since Jane had begun this series of drawings of her memories, seeing their life together through her eyes had deepened his understanding of her feelings for him. He realised now that she kept a lot of her emotions below the surface, even when she was being openly affectionate. It probably had a lot to do with her upbringing at the orphanage. Hiding the things she loved was how she’d survived back then.

When he’d left Jane, he’d been unsure they’d ever get their relationship to a place where she loved him even half as much as he loved her. Now, the perceived depth of her love wasn’t something he questioned. He just wanted her home with him, desperately wanted to try making love to her again. He needed her safely in his arms, in their apartment and in their bed.

He just hoped they had the chance to try again. _Please, Jane. Stay alive. Come home to me soon._


	12. Strength of Purpose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings for this chapter: child abuse (physical), child neglect, child trafficking

“What if this is all my fault?”

In retrospect, telling Avery that they’d lost contact with Jane wasn’t the greatest idea Kurt had ever had. She’d asked if the undercover operation was going well, and he hadn’t wanted to lie to her, but Avery hadn’t taken it well.

“Avery, sometimes operations take unexpected turns. Why would it be your fault? Come on, sit down.”

Avery reluctantly stopped pacing and sat back down, sighing. “I dunno, I just… First my mom died, then my dad. Now Jane is in danger. What if I just doom all of my parents to awful fates?”

Kurt shook his head. “You know that’s not really true. Your parents’ deaths weren’t your fault.”

Avery nodded, looking far from convinced. Kurt saw so much of Jane in her self-doubt and guilt, it made his heart ache. The apple really hadn’t fallen far from the tree with Avery.

“My mother ran off when I was eleven. She could be dead. I have no idea.” As Avery’s gaze turned sympathetic, Kurt shrugged and continued, “My father died of cancer a few years ago. Was any of that my fault?”

“No, of course not! But…” Avery trailed off with a wry smile. “I’m being illogical. I get it.”

“Jane is…really good at stepping into harm’s way. She knows it’s a risk, but she does it anyway, because she knows she can make a difference. Her skills and her training make her very good at her job. But she doesn’t always think about how it’ll affect the people around her, and she’s not really used to having a daughter yet. I know she didn’t mean to worry you, Avery.”

“You’re worried too. I can tell.” Avery fidgeted. “I was asking her about taking down Crawford again the other night. What if I made her feel like she wasn’t doing enough to get him, so she took a risky assignment to prove to me that she was trying?”

Leaning back in his seat, Kurt watched his stepdaughter. “If we’re gonna play the ‘what if’ game, what if my being in Portland meant something got overlooked that I would have noticed before Jane went undercover?”

Part of him really did harbour that fear. He’d had to make a concerted effort to ignore it.

“You can’t think like that,” Avery said. “Jane had the rest of the team to help her out. One of them would have noticed.”

“So I can’t think like that, but you’re allowed to?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Good point.” Avery gave him a small, regretful smile. “I’m sorry. You’re just as worried about Jane as I am. You shouldn’t have to worry about me as well.”

“You’re allowed to be worried. She’s your mom—your birth mom, I mean,” he added, not wanting to sound as though he didn’t consider Avery’s adopted mother important to her. “We can all worry about each other. That’s what families do.”

“Yeah,” Avery said softly. After a moment, she changed the subject. “I’m sorry about your parents. That sounds hard. Especially your dad’s cancer…it’s tough watching someone you love get worse, huh?”

 _Almost as tough as hearing your father confess to the murder you always knew he committed with his dying breath._ Kurt forced his mind away from that line of thought. “Yeah. We weren’t close, not like you and your mom. But it was rough anyway.”

“Did you ever…try to find your mom?” Avery asked hesitantly. “After you joined the FBI?”

Kurt shook his head, hoping he didn’t look as bitter as he felt. “No. My sister asked me to once, but I wouldn’t do it. It wouldn’t be like you finding Jane. My mother left because she didn’t want to be with us. She spent eleven years bringing us up, and when she left my father, she decided she didn’t care enough to take us with her. I’m not interested in mending those bridges.”

Avery winced. “I can understand that. Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent, I guess.”

“Speaking of which—how are you and Jane doing these days?” Kurt asked, changing the subject before he had to dwell on his own screwed-up past any more. It was his own fault for bringing up his parents with Avery, but he didn’t want to leave the door open to any more conversation about them.

“We’re doing better. I think sometimes I frustrate her, and sometimes she drives me nuts too, but that feels familiar. Why is it that parents always focus on what you’re not allowed to do?” Avery sighed.

Hiding a smile, Kurt pointed out, “In your case, it’s because you’re in protective custody, not because we’re worried about you getting pregnant or neglecting your studies or whatever other parents worry about.”

“I know. And if it wasn’t for Roman and the whole getting kidnapped thing, I’d tell you and Jane that I’m legally an adult and I can do what I want.” She leaned forward and scratched at a stain on the safehouse’s coffee table, to no avail. “I’m trying to be patient and not be a headache for you guys, but it feels like my whole life’s on hold, here. College will start in September, and I don’t even know if I can go yet.”

“We’re trying, Avery. As hard as we can. No one wants to take down Roman and Crawford as much as Jane.”

Avery nodded, and went quiet for a long moment. “Do you think she’s gonna be okay?” she asked, an almost pleading note to her tone.

Kurt took a second to consider his response. Outright lying would be dishonest, but a plain, realistic assessment of the situation would be cruel. _No. I’m scared she won’t be okay. Most of the time, when we lose contact with an undercover operative in the field, it’s because things have gone badly wrong. A couple of years ago, when Jane went dark during an operation, it was because she’d been made, and Shepherd killed twelve FBI agents in a bomb blast, then ordered Roman to kill his sister. It was only because they were family that Jane survived and got out. If these people have figured out she’s not Penny Yates, they won’t hesitate to put a bullet in her head._

“No one can look after herself in the field better than Jane. She’s one of the best we have, and she asked us for time and space to work if she went dark. We’re giving her that, and the second she needs us, we’ll be ready to go in and help.”

Recognising Avery’s tension and restlessness, he added, “Just promise me you’ll stick with your detail and not try to go off chasing leads on Crawford on your own. The last thing I need is for Jane to come back and find out you’ve been kidnapped or killed.”

Avery scowled, “I wasn’t going to—”

“Just promise me, Avery.”

She gave a melodramatic teenage sigh. “Fine, I promise. It’s not like I even know anything about this mission anyway.”

_Thank god for small mercies._

For good measure, he added a little guilt trip. He didn’t feel fantastic about manipulating Avery, but Jane was sometimes so reckless that he didn’t want to take any chances with her daughter, not while the situation was so precarious. “Okay, good. Because Jane asked me to make sure you were safe while she was undercover, and I’m not sure our relationship would survive it if you went missing again on my watch.”

Her eyes widened, and some of the keyed-up atmosphere dissipated. Whatever she’d been planning, she’d just shelved it. “I’ll stay safe, I swear. A-are you and Jane doing okay? She said things were better with you guys, but she kind of still looked sad.”

The last thing Kurt wanted to do was discuss their intimacy issues with Jane’s daughter. “We’re getting there. I think once she gets back, everything’s gonna be fine. I asked her if she wanted to move back home when she finishes this mission, and she said she wanted to, so…”

“That’s great. She won’t just give up and die undercover if she has that to look forward to, right?”

Kurt couldn’t help but grin. “Avery, I’ve never met anyone less likely to give up and die than Jane. That’s one thing you definitely don’t need to worry about.”

“Really?”

Avery put on a tough front sometimes, but she was still just a kid barely reaching adulthood. He saw that in her now—desperate for reassurance from a grown-up that everything would be okay.

“Yeah. Once she was held captive for three months by…people who wanted to know where the information in her tattoos came from. On her first day there, she discovered the cover over the floor drain in her cell was loose—and there was literally nothing in that cell apart from a bucket for her to use as a bathroom, not even a bed. She started pulling threads out of her clothes and weaving them into a rope, and she attached the end to the drain cover and hid it down the spout. After three months she had enough rope to use the drain cover like a mace. She took down five guys, stole their car keys and their shotgun, and got out of there.”

Avery’s eyes were huge. “Nobody told me about that. That’s… that’s just badass.”

Kurt shrugged. “That’s just your mom. She’d gotten some new information about Sandstorm before she was taken. The FBI thought she was a traitor at the time. I’d actually arrested her and she was taken from FBI custody. She was starting to suspect she’d been a terrorist, but she didn’t know about Remi yet. She thought she had no one to fight for but herself, but instead of giving up, she decided she was gonna find Shepherd and take her down. She’s strong in her body, but she’s even stronger in her mind.”

“And now she has us to fight for. Me and you and the team?”

“Exactly. And she’s only been dark for a day. She’s probably sneaking around and getting all the info we need, totally fine.”

Avery looked reassured. Kurt wished he had the confidence in his own words as she seemed to have placed in them.

_I need to find a way to get in there. Even if she is fine, backup never hurt anybody._

_Think, Kurt. Find a way._

* * *

Jane took a deep breath and looked around the dingy underground room they’d given her to use as a bedroom. It had a cot in the corner and a filing cabinet she could use to store belongings, but sadly no records on the group’s activities she could use to help convict them.

She’d turned to the guy in charge, Shapiro, and said, “What the hell is this? I thought you guys were rich? I’m doing this for the money, in case you’d forgotten.”

“Relax, princess. This is temporary, while we’re assessing your loyalties. Once you’ve delivered your first shipment of kids and you’re as guilty as the rest of us, you can leave the facilities and spend the night at the Four Seasons if you want. You’ll be rich enough, don’t worry.”

They’d locked her in overnight. _Cautious bastards._ But a few minutes ago the door had unlocked and someone had pounded on the door. “Rise and shine, Ms. Yates.”

_I can do this. It’s not my first time undercover. Just because I don’t have backup, that doesn’t mean it’s gonna go badly. These kids need me. Let’s go, Doe._

Pep talk completed, she opened the door and headed out into the warehouse sub-basement. The bathroom wasn’t far away, and she took care of her morning routine quickly, wanting to get to work. Since Yates had been told she’d be staying a couple of nights, Jane had packed a toothbrush and a few makeup essentials, plus enough of the makeup she was using to hide her tattoos for an emergency touch-up or three. The last thing she cared about right now was looking good, but the men would likely respect her more if she’d taken care of her appearance.

As she crossed the large space to Shapiro’s office, the whimpering of small children—toddlers Bethany’s age— tore at her heart. It was torture to hear them and not go to offer what comfort she could.

Shapiro was bent over some kind of log book, frowning, his glasses halfway down his nose. _I need to get a look at that book._

She tapped on the open door. “Morning, sir.”

“Morning. Have a seat. Did you sleep okay?”

She’d had the worst night’s sleep of her life, knowing there were children in distress just a hundred feet away, but too afraid the night shift was watching her to attempt to pick the lock. She’d have to gather as much information as possible during the day, while she was free to roam the warehouse.

“The cot wasn’t the comfiest bed I’ve ever had, but hey.” She shrugged and sat down. “Anything I can help with?”

He closed the log book. _Damn._

“Yeah. You’re a nurse­—can you take a look at one of the kids? Little asshole was stressing out all the others last night, trying to get out of the holding area. One of the night watch guys manhandled him a little, and I think he wrenched his arm.” Shapiro said it with no more concern than he would have talked about a fence breaking.

_Show. No. Disgust._

“I’m a midwife, not a pediatric nurse, but I’ll do what I can. You got any candy I can use to bribe him with?”

Shapiro blinked up at her. “Huh? No.”

“God, you should take care of that. Not much—you don’t want a cage full of hyper kids—but it’s so much easier to get ‘em to do something when you have something they want. Maybe you won’t end up injuring the merchandise that way.”

“Hmm.” Shapiro stood up and went to the door. “Anyone got any candy on ‘em?”

A few of the toddlers glanced over, clearly recognising the word ‘candy’. There were eight of them—she’d counted when she’d come in. Three were curled into balls, either napping or pretending to nap. The other five were clustered together, as though they thought there was safety in numbers. _Poor kids._

A guy leaned out from behind a stack of boxes and held out an open package of something. Niles, Jane thought his name was. “Got a few left.”

“There you go. Get on it.” Shapiro nodded and went back into his office.

After taking a bag of half-melted M&Ms from Niles, Jane headed over to the ‘holding area’ – basically a caged-off section of the warehouse big enough to hold about twenty adults at a push. The eight toddlers within looked pitifully small and sad within. It was difficult to keep her face impassive.

The smell of soiled diapers got stronger as she approached. At least the smell gave her an excuse to pull a distressed face. “God, whoever’s on diaper duty needs to get here fast,” she said to the guy standing guard at the cage door.

He gave her a blank look. “Diaper duty?”

Jane looked from him to the kids and back, trying not to look as though she cared one way or the other. “No one’s gonna change these kids’ diapers?”

He shrugged. “Nah. We got some somewhere, but they’ll only be here till Friday. They’ll change ‘em at the other end of the journey. If we don’t feed ‘em much, they won’t poop as much.”

Jane sighed, as though the thought filled her with irritation rather than horror. “No wonder night watch can’t control ‘em. They’ve probably got diaper rash that hurts like hell. How long since they were changed last?”

Another blank look.

Jane stashed the bag of M&Ms in her filing cabinet and returned to Shapiro. Thirty minutes, a sarcastic conversation and the dispatch of a lackey to the drugstore later, she was letting herself into the holding area with a stack of diapers, ointment for diaper rash, and a ton of wet wipes. She didn’t even begrudge having to do the literal shit work, though she made out that she did. _Anything to make these kids feel a little better._

“Who wants a clean diaper?” she called, trying to put enough softness in her tone that she wouldn’t scare the kids, but not enough that the guards would question her stated aversion to them.

Most of the kids cringed away. Only one, a little girl with bright red hair, crawled forward.

“My name is…” _Don’t say Penny—Penny wouldn’t want the kids knowing her name. And don’t say Jane._ “…Lauren. What’s your name?”

The kid looked to be about three years old, old enough to be at least partly potty-trained, but Jane guessed she must have been taken at night, wearing a diaper to sleep in. “Mandy.” She looked at the diapers, then down at her own waist, as though embarrassed. “I pooped lots.”

“I know. You’re stinky. Wanna come and get clean?”

Mandy nodded emphatically.

Jane made sure she set up her cleaning station facing away from the door guard, so that her facial expressions wouldn’t give her away. She was shaking with rage and heartbreak as she cleaned up the poor child and applied ointment to her developing rash. Mandy watched Jane with a hope that brought tears to her eyes. She gave the little girl a smile as she fastened the clean diaper and helped her into her pyjama pants again.

“Where’s Mommy?” Mandy asked.

Jane glanced around and caught the eye of the watching guard. _Damn it._ She rolled her eyes at him, trying to give the impression that she was over this whole experience, before turning back to Mandy. She couldn’t even give her a little reassurance with the guy watching. “I don’t know.”

“I want Mommy. Want home.”

_I wanna go home too, kiddo._

“You think any of your friends want clean diapers too?”

During her time with Mandy, some of the other kids had decided she wasn’t so scary. One by one, five more came to be cleaned up, but two resisted, both little boys.

Jane didn’t have it in her to force them to do anything right now. They were already in an unfamiliar, hostile place and scared out of their minds. They might end up with UTIs and rashes, but those things were treatable once they got the kids to the hospital. She didn’t want to add to their trauma by forcibly changing their diapers.

“Okay, guys. You play nice and while I go wash up, okay?” She got one step towards the door before Mandy threw herself forward and clung to her leg.

“Want home now.” There were tears in the girl’s eyes, and she couldn’t bear to just shake her off.

“Soon, all right? But not now. You gotta stay here, Mandy. Be good for now, and the scary man will stay outside and not come in. Okay?”

Sniffling, the kid nodded and released her.

Jane let herself out of the cage, carrying her load of dirty diapers and wipes. The door guard stepped back so as not to brush against her, wrinkling his nose. “I thought you didn’t like kids.”

Jane snorted. “I don’t,” she said, keeping her voice quiet enough that Mandy couldn’t hear. “But I like cash, and I like my eardrums intact. Kids that age are like dogs. You gotta bribe ‘em with things they want. Trust me, your life’ll be a lot easier. And quieter.”

Before he could reply, she went to dispose of the trash, her teeth gritted the whole way. As she washed her hands and arms clean, touched up the makeup over her hand tattoos, then grabbed the M&Ms from the filing cabinet, she promised herself that she’d see each and every one of these scumbags locked away for good.

She returned to the cage with the M&Ms hidden in her skirt pocket—the FBI undercover costuming department had sewn deep pockets into the garment in case she needed to smuggle something out.

“Whose arm is ouchy?” she asked, her eyes on the two boys who refused to get up and have their diapers changed. “Can I make it better?”

None of the kids she’d examined so far had complained of an injury, so it had to be one of these two. It would be a struggle to get them to do anything without bait, however.

“I’ve got candy, but no one can have any until I’ve seen the arm that hurts.”

As one, the kids turned to look at one of the boys. Even the other resisting kid took a peek at him.

Jane took the M&Ms out of her pocket. “Who likes M&Ms?”

One of the kids whispered to the boy with the hurt arm.

“No!” the boy snarled. “Don’t wanna.”

Jane went to sit next to him and lowered her voice to a murmur. “I know it’s scary here, and the man was mean to you. But I’m not mean, I promise. I just want to help you all go home. But you gotta let me look at that arm, okay?”

She had no idea how well he could understand the situation, but Kurt had once told her that treating Bethany with respect often got him a lot further than enforcing his parental will on her. Of course, sometimes she just _had_ to have a tantrum, and that was when he had to pick her up and move her from place to place, but as a general rule, he’d told Jane to treat her like a mini person. It seemed to work. She stuck to that now, with this kid.

“You don’t like M&Ms? They’re chocolate, not peanut.” She’d counted the remaining number of pieces in the bag, finding nine. One for each child, and one for her. She put hers in her mouth now, let it melt a little, then chewed with her mouth open so he’d smell the chocolate.

Someone’s stomach rumbled. The kid uncurled a little, still holding his arm. “You’ll hurt it.”

“I just wanna take a little look so we can make sure it doesn’t hurt any worse, okay? Can we take your shirt off, gently?”

With much negotiating and a few tears on the toddler’s side, she managed to get the boy’s shirt off. He wouldn’t tell her his name, but she didn’t push.

She was no doctor, nurse or paramedic, but she had enough first aid and field medicine training to recognise the injury as a sprain. Ice was probably out of the question—and it wouldn’t be as effective now as it had been right after the injury—but she could at least bind it. Leaving the cage again, she scrounged for something to use as a makeshift sling, and after carefully helping him to put his shirt back on, she bound his arm close to his chest.

“You gotta rest that now, okay? It’ll still hurt if you move it, but tomorrow it will feel better, and the day after it will feel even better.”

The kid nodded, his big, brown eyes watering, then lighting up as she doled out a piece of candy to each captive child.

Leaving the cage again, Jane resisted the urge to go and hide in her allocated bedroom for a while, to regroup. _This is so much harder than I thought it was gonna be. I just want to get out of here and go hug Avery. Was she in a place like this, before she was given to the Drabkins? If she was, at least she was too young to remember it._

It wasn’t quite as bad as the basement in the orphanage, where she and Roman had been held with about twenty other kids and too few mattresses. But it was close enough that it made her physically anxious.

_Come on. The sooner you get what we need, the sooner you can get help for these kids. Put on your callous bitch face and get out there._

“All done?” Shapiro asked, as she went back into his office.

“Yeah,” she said tersely. “Look, I get that no one else here knows shit about kids, but I didn’t come here to play nursemaid. I thought you were bringing me in, showing me the ropes. So show me what I need to know.”

_And I will take you bastards down. Every last one of you._


End file.
